


Lost Souls

by TamChronin



Category: Tokyo Babylon, X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2004-06-18
Updated: 2004-06-18
Packaged: 2019-06-13 06:52:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 26,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15358710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: Some things can never be forgiven. Some things should never be forgotten. Subaru wakes up and finds he has forgiven the unforgivable, but he can't remember how.





	1. I

He woke up slowly, and in great pain.  His head throbbed, and he felt sick to his stomach.  The smell of death and destruction hung in the air, choking him.  He didn't want to move.  He didn't want to wake up.  He really just didn't want to be alive.

"Subaru-kun, you have to wake up."

Hands were brushing hair out of his eyes, caressing his cheeks, lightly touching with a familiarity those hands should never touch him with.  Those hands smelled of cigarettes.  Of sakura blossoms.  Of blood.  It was a combination Subaru had managed to ignore the significance of until the end.

He flinched, cringing away from the touch.  All he could remember was walking into the hospital room, heart full of hope, and opening the door to find a nightmare.  He curled up around himself, clutching his arm protectively, remembering those words as if they'd been etched into his soul forever as Seishirou had casually broken his arm to make his point.

"That's right, wake up.  No, no, don't get up yet.  You're still injured."

What new mind game was this?

Subaru suddenly sat bolt upright, moving as if to jump away and defend himself, but he nearly passed out from the pain, and his legs refused to support him.  He landed in a heap on the floor, shaking, trying to muster the strength to run, but he was far too weak to move.

"Subaru-kun?"

"What...did you...do...to me?" he panted, holding his head in his arms.

"What?"

Subaru looked up to see what appeared to be honest confusion and concern, but he'd been fooled by that before.  He would not fall for that again.  "What happened?  What is this place?"

The world was growing dark around the edges again, but he fought to stay conscious.

"Stay with me, Subaru-kun.  Try to stay awake.  We're at home.  You're safe."

It wasn't any room he knew.  It wasn't the apartment in Tokyo...it wasn't the room he remembered Seishirou having before...it certainly wasn't his bedroom at his family home, or the hospital room he'd expected.  Then again, he hadn't actually expected to wake again after what he saw there.

How was this safe?  How was this home?

"Seishirou-san?"

"Yes, that's right.  Now, let's get you back into bed."  He smiled and reached for Subaru, but he flinched back.

"Don't!" he cried out.

Seishirou's face went completely blank.  Subaru could almost see the thoughts racing behind the older man's eyes.  "You haven't been afraid of me like this in a very long time, Subaru-kun."

Subaru fought through hazy recollection, trying to remember just how long it had been.  He couldn't think past the moment Seishirou had broken his arm--and the words that had shattered his soul at the same moment.  He clutched that arm protectively, reliving the pain.  The sickening sound and feel of bone being snapped like a twig within him...it couldn't have been longer ago than yesterday.

His arm was healed though, speaking of a much longer period of time.  What could have happened?  There was no scenario he could envision that would end with the two of them together after that.  This was impossible.

"Am I dead?" he whispered in horror, looking down at his hands.  It was the only explanation he had, for all that it was not an explanation and just as impossible as anything else.  He certainly felt alive, and was in too much pain to have passed on.

"I know how much you hate hospitals, Subaru-kun, but we're going.  Now."  There was no longer any yield in the Sakurazukamori's voice.  It held a commanding and self-assured tone that Subaru found more believable, but there was concern.  Was it genuine?  How could it be?

In this circumstance, how could it not?

He was spared further thought though.  Seishirou swept Subaru into his arms, and the little bit of strength the younger onmyouji had failed him.  Blessed darkness took him, and his confusion was swept away.


	2. III

Doctors and nurses came and went, administering tests and telling Subaru nothing he wanted to know.  They thought they were helpful.  They thought these were things he'd want to know.  Those things were the furthest from his mind though.  They thought he'd want to know he was healing at a remarkable rate.  They thought he'd want to know he could be discharged within the week, probably.  They thought he'd want to know they could find no reason for his amnesia.  They thought he'd want to know they recommended psychological counseling.  They thought he'd want to know they wouldn't be able to take the IV out until tomorrow at the earliest, but he could eat and drink any time he wanted, provided he could keep it down.

He cared about none of these things.

"Already you're getting so many gifts, Sumeragi-san!  Look, these flowers are from a girl.  Karen Kasumi."

Subaru shrugged.  He didn't recognize the name.  Someone he'd helped recently, maybe?  A friend he'd made?

"These balloons came in with a gift.  It looks like a book.  Would you like to open it now?"

He nodded silently, glancing at the names on the card attached.  Arisugawa Sorata.  Kishuu Arashi.  Shirou Kamui.  Who were these people?  A quick glance through the book revealed they knew a little of his tastes at least.

"Look at this teddy bear!"

This was from a Nekoi Yuzuriha.

"No more gifts right now, please.  I'd like some time to think."

The nurse gave a disapproving sigh, but agreed readily.  "What about visitors?"

"Family only, please."

She looked a little surprised.  "Because of your condition, that restriction is already in place.  It will be lifted tomorrow, if you continue to heal at such a remarkable rate.  Did you wish otherwise?"

"No, that sounds fine."  To end the conversation he rolled over onto his side.  It was a rather rude way to dismiss her, but he was tired of her talking and talking all the time.  Among the most useless things he'd been told all day was the names of all the people sending gifts.  The only name he'd recognized on a gift was Imonoyama Nokoru, from the CLAMP Campus, but Subaru had no idea why he'd rated that person's personal attention.  Surely the chairman had better things to concern himself with than an old student.

Nine years.

The face he'd seen in the mirror had spoken clearly of those nine years.  It spoke of nine years worth of pain.  He was thin and pale, and the faint lines in his twenty-five year old face told him he hadn't had occasion to smile much in all that time.

And the one person he wanted to see hadn't shown up to visit, or even sent a stupid gift.

That was the source of his grumpiness.  Grandmother had been his only guest.  He was happy that he wasn't being swarmed by people he couldn't remember--that is, aside from the people who worked here--but one face was conspicuous in its absence.

One face he sorely missed.

Subaru remembered the face in the mirror and had to wonder about it.  What would she look like now?  They'd always looked so much the same, but that was as children.  Surely she didn't look this worried?  Surely she didn't look this aged?

He had to see for himself what the face of his twin was like after so much time.

Well, at this age she was probably married and had at least one child, right?  She was probably too busy with other obligations.  She'd always wanted to be a housewife.  She always wanted to be a caregiver, and he couldn't think of any other reason she wouldn't be here now.  Only children of her own would keep Hokuto from visiting her twin brother in the hospital.

Who knows?  Maybe she had visited while he was unconscious.  That was probably it.  He'd just missed her.  Maybe she hadn't left a card or gift because she knew she'd be back.  It was nothing to worry over.  Surely there was a logical explanation.

But a voice whispered darkly in the back of his mind that this was not the case.

That voice was soundly and heartily ignored.  It wasn't playing fair.  It wasn't following the rules.  It sounded like the same voice that whispered that there were things he didn't want to know.  It tried to warn him or prepare him...but sitting right here, he could not imagine anything more horrible than that attack and rejection from Seishirou.

_He was going to kill me._

_So, why am I still alive?_

As if the thoughts he entertained had taken form, he suddenly knew he was no longer alone in the room.  He held himself stiff, prepared for anything--anything except what happened next.

The bed dipped behind him, and he felt a kind hand press against his shoulder.  No words were said, and Subaru was lost in the same confusion he'd found himself in before.  He could feel Seishirou behind him.  There was no mistaking him for anyone else.

Where had this kindness come from then?  It wasn't the false kindness offered through the year Subaru remembered of knowing Seishirou.  Well, he could not judge its validity now, but it felt somehow different.

But why?

Subaru's head started hurting again.  Nothing made sense.  How could they possibly have gone from there to here?

"Subaru-kun."  Seishirou's voice was patient and somewhat tired.  Strained around the edges in a way Subaru could not remember hearing before.  "How are you doing?"

The answer was a long time in coming.


	4. V

Subaru only got sufficient sleep with the aid of sedatives, and upon waking he could not remember dreaming.  He'd awoken once in the middle of the night, when a nurse came in to check on him, but she just gave him a couple of pills and told him to go back to sleep.  He was groggily eating breakfast when the first wave of visitors hit.

Four people walked in, two guys and two girls.  Subaru thought they looked to be around his age--until he realized that his age was mid-twenties and these four were teenagers.

The youngest, one of the girls, rushed into the room to his side.  "Subaru-san!  You're okay!  Thank goodness!  When they wouldn't let us in before, we were all so worried."  She looked like she would tackle him with a hug, but she was remarkably careful when she did embrace him.

Subaru looked at her and smiled, but he couldn't keep the bewildered look from his face.  "Good morning," he said cautiously, blinking at all of them.

The girl backed up, grinning from ear to ear in relief.  "You're awake, and eating and you look a lot better than I thought you would.  I'm so glad!  They said you'd be discharged within the week, and I think we were all relieved to hear that."

The other girl, older and with long, straight hair, turned an intense gaze on the other girl.  "They also said that he has amnesia.  He probably doesn't remember any of us."

To Subaru, it was interesting to watch how the others reacted to this girl's statement.  The younger girl wilted just slightly, nodding and taking another step back.  The taller of the two guys nodded solemnly even though he'd been wearing a grin just as infectious as the younger girl's had been.  The shorter boy had been searching Subaru's face intently, but at the word amnesia he looked stricken and turned his head to look away.  He'd been hanging back, behind the other three, and something about that boy's violet eyes inspired a great empathy in Subaru.

"I s'pose we should introduce ourselves then," the tall guy said brightly in a distinct Kansai accent.  "I'm Arisugawa Sorata.  This vision of beauty is my future sweet lover, Kishuu Arashi."

The long haired girl, Arashi, looked like she was about to hit Sorata, so the other girl jumped in to introduce herself before a fight could break out.  "I'm Nekoi Yuzuriha, from Mitsumine Shrine.  It feels weird to introduce myself to you again though!  We've been working together for a while."

"We have?"

Yuzuriha nodded enthusiastically.  " _Seals_ or _Dragons of Heaven._   We've all gotten to know each other through adversity, working toward the same goal."

Subaru nodded his understanding, remembering what he'd been taught about the coming day.  He supposed that was upon them now, and he'd never learned all that much about what would happen.  Why should he?  That was supposed to be a distant point in his future.  An abstract eventuality.  There was no way he would expect to wake up and find himself suddenly in the middle of it all.

Subaru looked at the last member of the group expectantly.  He was the only one who hadn't said anything yet, and the only one who hadn't been introduced.  The boy stuck his hands in his pockets--Subaru saw only then that he had bandages up his arms, poking out from his long sleeved jacket--and looked guardedly at Subaru.  "Shirou Kamui."

Did Kamui hate him for some reason?  Was he mad that Subaru had gotten himself hurt?  Subaru just looked at this boy and felt like there should be more than a curt nod and brief introduction like that.  He felt a little sad, like he'd lost something precious but wasn't sure what it was, exactly.

"Thank you all for your kind gifts yesterday," Subaru murmured politely.  Internally he was still puzzling out why Kamui looked so upset...yes, upset was a good word.  He really didn't have any other idea what to say to these people anyway, after the silence that had met Kamui's words.

Yuzuriha bounced, glowing.  She chirped out a quick "you're welcome" and grinned from ear to ear.  This seemed to be a standard expression for her.

Kamui and Arashi both looked confused though.  Almost as one they looked at Sorata, who was looking playfully abashed.  He raised a hand to scratch the back of his head, grinning and looking at the other two.  "That would have been me.  Miss was busy yesterday, and Kamui was in the hospital again too, so I figured I'd sign their names too 'cause I knew they'd send something if they could."

Arashi nodded, looking reluctantly grateful at Sorata's thoughtfulness.  "I had planned on getting something later," she said softly, with the slightest hint of a kind smile.

Kamui stared at the floor though, looking ashamed for some reason.  He still didn't say a word though, and was obviously not going to meet Subaru's eyes if he could help it.

"I wanted to give you the teddy bear in person," Yuzuriha said brightly.  "I just thought, in a place like this, you would feel alone.  Nobody should have to feel alone.  I almost picked up a bunny rabbit, but this teddy bear caught my eye instead, and it seemed to need someone to love it.  Inuki helped me pick it out," she added with a wink.  She then bent slightly, and Subaru noticed a dog sitting protectively at her side.  How had he missed that before?

Inuki padded over to Subaru's bedside and lifted his head, clearly asking to be petted.  Subaru did so, and realized through the contact that this was a spirit dog--a guardian for this girl.  Inuki's eyes were intelligent and kind, and Subaru felt comfort in his presence.  No wonder Yuzuriha was such a happy girl, with such a companion.

Yuzuriha reminded Subaru of Hokuto so much, and he again wondered why she wasn't here.  It wasn't like her to simply blow off something like this.  She would show up sometime today, right?  Or she'd call with her excuse.  At the outside, she would send a card along with someone they knew, and give her reasons through them.  She'd never been inconsiderate.  In fact, she'd always been a little overwhelming in how she took care of him.  So, it didn't make sense that she wasn't here now.

Unless they'd had a fight?

It would have had to be a very big fight though, in order to keep her away when Subaru was hospitalized.  He couldn't imagine what on earth they'd have a disagreement over so much to do this though.  Maybe Grandmother would know....

Sorata had plopped down at the end of the hospital bed casually while Yuzuriha took the chair to his side.  Arashi stood next to Sorata, and Subaru began to wonder if she was capable of bending at the hip long enough to sit down.  Well, logically it had to be possible, but she was so stiff it was painful to look at.  The three of them talked casually with Subaru, filling him in on their backgrounds and sharing some of the more entertaining things they'd been through together.  It was punctuated with little silences that seemed to be filled with silent mourning, as they said things that called up memories none of them were ready to talk about.  Through it all, Kamui still stood across the room, just within sight, looking miserable and alone.

Yuzuriha was the first to leave, and it seemed she'd picked up a hint from somewhere along the line because Subaru noticed Sorata smile and nod in subtle satisfaction.  It wasn't long after that that Sorata made his excuses and escorted Arashi out.  On the way out he all but pushed Kamui toward Subaru's bed, with instructions to watch over him.  Kamui blushed, looking miserable, but walked over to the chair that Yuzuriha had abandoned.  He didn't sit though.  He just stood in front of it, eyes still downcast, looking sullen.  It was obvious that Kamui didn't want to be here.  Subaru wondered again what he had done.


	6. VII

"I'm sorry?" Subaru ventured, looking at Kamui with a mix of confusion and hope.  All he knew is, he didn't want Kamui to look like that anymore.  It was heartbreaking.

"What?"  Kamui looked shocked.  "Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know," Subaru admitted.  "You looked upset.  I thought I'd apologize just in case I did something wrong.  I wish I could remember though, so I'd know what I was apologizing for.  I suppose it's not sincere unless...."

He trailed off when he saw Kamui's shoulders were trembling slightly.  His eyes were downcast and his bangs concealed his face.  Subaru felt so small for being unable to even understand and apologize properly.  Whatever was wrong was obviously devastating, because Kamui swiped at his eyes with the back of his sleeve, and the fabric came away wet.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing to you!  This is all my fault.  I was right there, and I couldn't save you.  _He_ was the one that saved you while all I could do was watch.  If I'd been able to raise a kekkai--if--" Kamui broke off, unable to speak anymore.  He just stood there, the absolute picture of misery, hands balled into fists at his side, tears occasionally dripping from his chin onto his shirt.

Subaru had no words.  If he could remember, maybe he could refute Kamui's claim of responsibility.  Maybe he could offer words of condolence or commiseration.  Maybe he would have the key to saying the right thing to help.  And so, Subaru did the only thing he could do.  He reached out and touched Kamui's arm comfortingly and said again, "I'm sorry."

Kamui looked up, tears streaming from his eyes--but he finally met Subaru's gaze.  There was such a depth of misery there that Subaru knew what had happened this time had to be just the tip of the iceberg.  "You're the one who got hurt, but you keep apologizing.  Why?"

"If I knew what happened, I could just forgive you.  I wish I could, but anything I say now would be empty to you.  I'm alive though, and you're alive, so anything that may have happened can be made up for, if necessary."  He was reaching.  He had no idea what to say about any of this, but--  "I just hate seeing you like this.  I wish there was more I could say."

Kamui finally sat down--though it was more like his knees finally refused to support him any longer.  "You've done so much for me since--since I made my decision."  It looked like even saying that much was too painful to bear, so Subaru decided not to ask questions.  "I thought Fuuma was going to kill you to get out of the kekkai, and all I could do was watch while I was pinned to the wall.  I'm supposed to be the most powerful, I'm supposed to save humanity, and I can't even save the people I care about."

This time Subaru let the silence in the room hang.  He reached out again to Kamui, and the teenager grabbed onto his hand like it was a lifeline.  They stayed like that for a while, and Subaru uttered kind words that really didn't mean a thing.  They were just the usual sounds of comfort.  "It's okay," was said the most.  He couldn't remember what else he said, and it didn't matter.  Kamui finally let himself be comforted and lulled into a space where he could talk calmly.

"The first time we met, you saved me from myself.  I was hurt so badly, and I'd seen too much.  I couldn't face the world, and I went Within myself and hid.  Or, I thought I was hiding.  Maybe I was wallowing.  I saw it over and over and within my mind it felt like eternity had passed while I watched my best friend kill the girl I--his sister.  They were the only thing I had left that was remotely like family.  I couldn't stop watching it happen.  And, suddenly, something changed.  There was someone else there, and--"  He broke off, taking a deep breath.  He closed his eyes briefly before he could speak again.  "You found me even when I tried to hide, and you told me that I should rejoin the real world.  You didn't tell me I had to, you made sure I knew it was my choice, but you said that if I stayed like this that nothing would begin, and nothing would end.  I wanted to stay there.  I couldn't imagine being able to go on with life after what had happened.  No one was that strong, and there could be no hope."

Kamui was beyond tears at this point.  Everything he had said had been recited in a somewhat flat tone, as if Kamui couldn't quite let himself feel any of it yet.  Subaru couldn't blame him.  If he'd seen something like that--if something like that happened to him....

"But you told me what happened to you."

Subaru's blood ran cold.  No.  Nothing like that could have happened...

"You let me see it all.  Or, the parts you had seen in your vision.  You told me about Seishirou-san, and what happened to your sister--"

Kamui broke off with a gasp, and Subaru realized he'd suddenly clutched Kamui's hand a bit too tightly for comfort.  Especially for someone who'd obviously suffered injuries to his arms recently...so he let go entirely, not trusting himself to touch Kamui at all right now.  "Hokuto.  What happened to Hokuto-chan?" he asked in choked horror.

Oh, but it was obvious.  They'd been talking about losing someone important to you.  Kamui mentioned it was his best friend who had killed the girl in question, and Subaru felt the cold fingers of dread wrap around his heart and squeeze.

Kamui didn't answer at first.  His violet eyes were large and watery again, on the verge of tears but too shocked to let them actually fall.  Every moment that Kamui stared at him like that, Subaru's fear grew exponentially.  Within himself he prayed that this wasn't happening, wishing and hoping when he knew there could be no hope.

"You don't remember it."

Subaru's hand went to his mouth in denial.  Kamui still hadn't said it.

"She died, nine years ago.  You had gone Within when--"

"No."  It was a flat and universal denial.  This could not have happened.  He couldn't accept it.  He couldn't let Kamui keep talking, because this would be too much to take.

"I'm sorry."

And that was it.  He could deny it no longer.

"How?  Why?"  Some part of his mind played back what Seishirou had said last night.

_...no matter what your grandmother says..._

She hadn't said a word though.  After nine years, how could she imagine that Subaru would forget his sister's death?

_...or what your friends say..._

Seishirou had known this would come up.  He'd left with a warning about just this.  Why?

_...no matter what you remember..._

Because, there was no way around realizing what Seishirou meant.  There was no way to misunderstand those words.  He knew what would have to come to light, and had been too much of a coward to say it himself.

_...I love you..._

"He killed her.  Instead of me."

The silence hung heavy in the air, and Kamui just stared miserably at his friend before he could even move.

"Yes."

It was Subaru's turn to break down and cry.


	7. VII

At some point Kamui had moved to sit at the edge of Subaru's bed, and the two held each other and cried until there were no tears left to shed.  They then began to talk; sharing stories of things they remembered, finding common threads that seemed to catch Kamui by complete surprise.  They avoided painful things, or glossed over them for the sake of background.  Subaru learned a few more things about the memories he was missing, though there was obviously a lot that Kamui didn't know.  A couple of times Subaru thought he could almost see something, almost remember a bit of what they talked about, but the feeling didn't last long.  Every time he felt a hint of memory he also felt a touch of fear, and immediately shied away from the topic.

A few people wandered into the room through the day.  Subaru had the pleasure of meeting the other two Seals and was a little surprised to see that they were both older than him.  He hadn't been quite sure what to expect, but everyone else was so young he had started to wonder.  Neither of them stayed long though, and neither seemed to think it strange that Kamui had been there all day and showed no signs of leaving.

It was mid-afternoon when they were interrupted by a bright knock at the door.  "Subaru-kun!  I hope you don't mind I brought you donuts!"

Kamui tried to jump off the bed, but Subaru had a death grip on his shoulders as soon as he heard that voice.  He silently begged Kamui not to leave.  He couldn't handle this meeting alone.  Kamui looked sympathetic, but he still pulled away to stand.  "Sakurazuka-san," Kamui inclined his head slightly in greeting, but that was all.

"Shirou-kun!  I don't know what kind of donuts you like, but there should be enough to share."

The donuts were the same kind that Seishirou had asked for when he was in the hospital.  Subaru gulped, overwhelmed.  He was holding onto Kamui's sleeve, unable to completely let go.  "Seishirou-san."  Subaru wasn't ready for this.  He didn't know how to react to Seishirou now.  Not after what Kamui had told him about Hokuto.  He just didn't know what to do.

Seishirou walked in and put the bag of donuts on the bedside table next to a few gifts and flowers.  He looked at Subaru and Kamui in silence and then let out a long sigh.  "Would it help if I apologized again for killing her?" he asked, looking weary.

Subaru stopped breathing for a long moment.  He didn't know how to answer that.  He looked up at Kamui for reassurance or an answer or something, anything to help him handle this situation.  Kamui just looked back impassively, though Subaru thought he might have seen a touch of sympathy there.  That was all.

"Why?"

Seishirou actually winced when Subaru asked that question.  Subaru glanced at Kamui to see the teenager bite his lower lip.  Neither looked at all happy.

"She asked me to," Seishirou replied.  "At the time I thought it was a foolish waste of her life, but I saw no reason to deny her.  A last favor to a friend, as it were."

"Because she asked?"  What kind of a sick joke was this?  Subaru felt ill, and an absurd part of his brain popped in to say he wouldn't be enjoying those donuts at all because of this.  Not that he'd expected to.

Seishirou looked away.  "Yes."

"Get out," Subaru said in a strangely flat tone, "and take your fucking donuts with you."

Whoa.  Where had that come from?  Subaru had never been one to use that language.  He'd heard it often enough, but he'd been raised too proper to consider uttering something like that.  No matter what.  It was quite a surprise to hear those words coming from his mouth, but it also felt strangely good.  Cathartic.  It was a necessary release.

But Seishirou actually picked up the bag of donuts and left.  That didn't feel good at all.  Well, it felt downright rotten, like he was watching a part of himself get cut off and thrown away.  An important part, like an arm or a leg.

Or a heart.

He looked up at Kamui again.  "I think I'd cry again if I weren't so tired."

Kamui blinked, looking like he was waking from a particularly disturbing dream.  "Yeah."  He reached over and squeezed Subaru's hand comfortingly.  "Maybe you should sleep."

Subaru nodded and squeezed his eyes shut.  The last thing he remembered before sleep claimed him was the feel of Kamui gently brushing away his tears.


	8. VIII

The rest of Subaru's hospital stay was relatively uneventful.  He spent the most time with Kamui, though others popped in on him from time to time.  Seishirou didn't return, and Kamui only brought up what happened once--Subaru's reaction to that was enough to convince him that it wasn't a subject that should be brought up again.

It was the day before he was to be released when he asked Kamui, "Do I really live with him?"

"For years," Kamui nodded.  "At least, that's what you said when I asked you."

"Do I have to?"  Subaru's voice sounded small, even to himself.  Small and weak and much younger than he imagined the face in the mirror had sounded in a long time.  He just couldn't bring himself to care about the dignities of being an adult though, when he didn't remember any of it.

"I'm sure Imonoyama-san would let you stay with the rest of us, if you like."

Subaru nodded gratefully at the suggestion.  And, that might have been it, and it might have been a good solution--but about an hour later Nokoru himself showed up, with Suoh and Akira at his side, to see how Subaru was doing.  When Kamui mentioned the possibility, Nokoru grew thoughtful.  Nobody noticed how Suoh and Akira backed out of the room with only a glance.  It was just that the room seemed now more private.

"I had set aside a room for you, Subaru-san, just in case you needed it.  You are more than welcome there at any time.  It is the least I can do for those who are fighting to save humanity, after all."  The chairman's eyes were friendly and he smiled brightly.  Subaru remembered when he went to school, everyone had exclaimed over how genuinely kind the youngest of the Imonoyama zaibatsu was.  He'd been a celebrity among the girls, and a hero across campus.  But, in Subaru's day, Nokoru had still been much younger.  Not so much younger that Hokuto hadn't entertained a crush on him like every other girl on campus, but enough that the sudden difference in age was somehow more striking than any other Subaru had noticed so far.  From teenager to adult wasn't so much of a change, or adult to older adult...but Nokoru had still been a child.  It brought home the missing time more intensely than Subaru had expected.

"Thank you," Subaru said with considerable relief in his tone.  He didn't want to even think of the alternative.

"Don't thank me yet," Nokoru said sadly.  He walked closer and sat down in the chair, placing his arms on the armrests and steepling his fingers thoughtfully.  "I don't know much of the situation, but I'd like you to reconsider.  I would feel bad if my hospitality was being used as a means to run away from this particular situation."

"Imonoyama-san, I can't return to that place.  I can't return to him.  He killed my sister."  Subaru tried to keep the panic from his voice and failed.  He was too polite to accept hospitality that was not freely given...Nokoru may as well have slammed the door in his face with those words.

"Yes.  Hokuto-chan.  I remember," he said with slight hesitation.  "I went to her funeral.  I felt devastated because she was a CLAMP student, and a lady in distress, but there was nothing I could have done to help her."

"You were there?"  Subaru was surprised by this news.  As far as he knew, they had just been faces in the crowd on a campus of exceptional people.  It was a place where the family name hadn't singled him out quite so much, nor had the fact that he was the Head of the Sumeragi Clan.

"Yes.  I'd tried to talk to you afterward, because my aunt thought it was such a shame you were dropping out, but you refused.  I've always felt bad about leaving you to your grief, but there was no condolence I could offer."

"Then, you should understand why I can't do this!" Subaru cried desperately.

It was Kamui who answered that.  "Subaru, you moved in with him after her death.  You found a way to forgive him.  Maybe you should try to find out how you did it before."

Nokoru looked slightly disturbed, but nodded in agreement.  "It may bring you some peace of mind.  Maybe he killed her on accident, or there were circumstances you are unaware of--"

"He's one of the Angels of Earth," Subaru answered in a flat tone.  "It was deliberate.  He killed her because she asked him to."

Even more disturbed now, but he took his cue from Kamui's expression and kept going.  "You still found a way to forgive him.  Find out what that was.  Maybe you'll forgive him a second time, or maybe you won't, but you owe it to yourself to find out."

"You're saying I have to go to him?"

Nokoru met him with a level gaze.  "I'm saying that if all else fails, you have somewhere to turn to."

Subaru nodded, feeling suddenly tired.  The chairman left, and Kamui put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"You're the one that suggested staying with everyone.  Why'd you say that if you don't want me there?"

Kamui didn't answer right away.  He sat down, looking thoughtful and a little regretful.  "I guess for the same reasons Nokoru-san said.  So you know there's somewhere to go if it doesn't work out."

"I can't go back there, Kamui-kun."  Subaru traced patterns on the hospital gown he was still forced to wear.  Such an ugly thing.  He was looking forward to wearing something normal again.

"Just try.  That's all you have to do."

"I could ask my grandmother.  She'd help me."

Kamui bowed his head sadly.  "I can't stop you, and I know she would.  Just...please don't.  I want you to be happy."

"Okay."

The next day, Subaru went home with Seishirou.


	9. IX

Subaru was a little annoyed that he was forced to stay in the wheelchair until they reached the parking garage.  He might not have felt so frustrated about it, but with Seishirou standing there he really wanted to feel some sort of control over things.  The wheelchair reminded him of just how helpless he'd felt since waking up.

Subaru gladly walked the few steps allowed to get to the car, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to get into it.  He looked nervously over at Seishirou before he sat down, but the only expression on the assassin's face was that of patient caring.  It was too good to be true.  It was too strange to be real.

"Don't forget your seat belt, Subaru-kun."

Aside from that, the silence continued through most of the drive.  Seishirou would cast the Sumeragi a worried glance on occasion, but Subaru was busy staring straight ahead, trying to figure out where they were and where they were going.  Or, maybe he was only pretending to do so, because he had to admit to himself after a bit that he'd completely lost track of landmarks.  Oh, sure, some things didn't change, and he took note of the obvious landmarks, but Tokyo had changed a lot in nine years.

"Seishirou-san," Subaru began hesitantly, "how long have we been together?"

"Five years," came the immediate reply.

There was more silence between them as Subaru mulled that over.  It was a lot longer than he'd expected.  "How?"

"One step at a time," Seishirou said.  "Sometimes day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  I think sometimes it was even second by second."

Subaru took a deep breath and held it for a moment.  It was a non-answer, but it also said so much.  "Then...it hasn't been easy?"

Seishirou gave him a brief look before turning his attention back to traffic.  "Easy?"  He gave a mirthless laugh that Subaru never would have expected.  "No.  Things have never been easy between us."  He pulled out a cigarette and toyed with it for a moment while he talked, but he didn't light it.  Instead he glanced at Subaru and put it away.

Subaru realized is hands were shaking, and seeing the cigarette had started a strange sense of longing in him.  He could almost feel the paper cylinder between his fingers...almost taste the smoke as it passed his lips...he could almost feel the burning as the imagined smoke entered his lungs before Seishirou put it away.   He stared at Seishirou in horror for a moment.  "Did I start smoking?"

At this, Seishirou looked uncomfortable.  "Yes.  You told me it was soon after Hokuto's death.  I was hoping you'd come out of the hospital and not be addicted anymore, since you lost your memories of smoking."

"I don't think it works that way," Subaru said.  He leaned back in his chair and tried to push back the longing...he realized he'd been feeling it all along and just hadn't known what he was wanting.  Waking up and reaching for something on the bedside table...he'd just never figured out what it was he was searching for.

"I won't smoke around you, to make it easier."

Subaru nodded and looked out the side window.  He tried not to think about it, or how bothered he was by the idea of smoking at all.  Hokuto would kill him if she knew.  He felt a stinging at the corners of his eyes at that thought.  He blinked rapidly to keep from crying again...it seemed like all he'd done since he found out.  He wanted that cigarette more than ever now, but he refused to admit it.  So he just stared blankly at the world outside and tried not to think.

"Will you at least tell me what happened?"

The question was met with silence for a while.  Subaru looked over to see the reluctance on Seishirou's face.  It took a while before he nodded.  "After we get home," he said quietly.

Subaru would just have to accept that.


	10. X

'After we get home' turned into 'after you get settled' and then 'after we eat lunch' and finally 'after I go have a cigarette' and the day passed in uncomfortable silence.  Subaru couldn't help but noticing that Seishirou had stepped outside for half an hour to have that last cigarette.  He finally decided to go outside and force the issue if he had to.

Seishirou was just lighting another cigarette when Subaru stepped out onto the apartment's balcony.  They just looked at each other for a few moments, and then Seishirou turned away and sighed.  "You have no idea how hard this is."

"You're right.  I don't."  Subaru held a hand out for a cigarette, and Seishirou reluctantly handed one over.

"Those are bad for you, you know."  Even as he spoke, he handed the lighter over.  It was warm from being clutched in Seishirou's hand.

"Somehow, I have a feeling that these are the least of the things bad for me in this world."

Seishirou looked away.  "You're probably right."

This conversation wasn't going at all like Subaru had expected.  He looked down at his hands where he was easily holding the cigarette.  It felt just as familiar as he thought it would.  He took another long moment to wonder what exactly he thought he was doing.  Did he want to do this?  Or did he want to take this chance to be quit of a habit he didn't remember having?

He was still staring at them when Seishirou started to talk.  "I think the story starts with the night I came to you and asked you to kill me.  Or, more precisely, when I tried to kill you and hoped to God I wouldn't succeed."

Subaru quietly handed the cigarette and lighter back.  Seishirou accepted them with a nod, but his expression was still carefully neutral.

"Why?"

"I'd had a job that went horribly wrong, and I think I lost my mind."  He looked at the half smoked cigarette and stubbed it out in the nearby ashtray.  He didn't even look at Subaru before he walked back inside.  Subaru followed quietly, and they sat across from each other at the dining table.

Subaru felt himself slipping into a pattern that had helped him on the more emotionally trying jobs he'd had.  "Tell me what happened," he invited calmly.  He distanced himself from the "case" and prepared to just listen to whatever Seishirou had to say.  It was the only way he could wrap his mind around what had just been said.

Seishirou shook his head.  "It was a bad night, and I wanted to die.  I wanted you to be the one to kill me.  I couldn't stop thinking about something my mother told me, when I killed her.  She said it was a beautiful thing to be killed by the one you loved, and I did not want to miss my chance."

Subaru shivered, feeling like someone had just run an ice cube up his spine.  Such a twisted idea of love and beauty.  "Why did you think you might miss your chance?"

Silence.  Seishirou didn't even bother to pretend he might answer that.  He just waited, looking as if he'd never heard Subaru's question.

"You're not going to tell me what happened?"

"No," Seishirou answered in a calm and even voice, looking directly into Subaru's eyes.  "What happened to make me think about that doesn't matter.  What matters is what happened between us after."  His expression was completely closed off for a long moment before he stood and gave Subaru a sunny smile.  "I'm going to make tea.  Would you like some?"

"Okay," Subaru agreed with a touch of confusion.  The smile would have looked at home on the kind and caring veterinarian Subaru remembered, but now he just knew that this was a false front.  It was a mask for Seishirou to wear.  He wondered what that meant for what had happened that night.  How bad had it been?  If Seishirou didn't want to talk about it...if it had driven him to do something like that--

A cup of tea was placed before him while he tried to think of the possibilities.  "Subaru-kun, you did almost kill me that night.  And, because of that, you almost killed yourself.  You see, when Hokuto-chan died, she used her death to cast one last spell.  While she lay in my arms, breathing her last, she told me what the spell was, because she wanted it to never be invoked.  If I were to kill you in the manner I had killed her, I would die and you would survive.  The same would happen if you tried to kill me.  So, that night, I tried to kill myself by killing you."

Subaru wanted to ask why, but he knew Seishirou would not answer that.  That was the question he'd been avoiding this entire conversation.  What could have driven him to want to die?  He took a sip of the tea and tried to come up with another question.  It took a moment, because that question was all he wanted to know, but he gave in and asked the next logical question.  "What happened next?"

It seemed like Seishirou slumped in relief at this question.  He gave a small and genuine smile, wrapping his hands around his own cup of tea.  "I was caught off guard.  I suppose I had been weakened, and my will to live affected how well I fought.  I was knocked unconscious, and the last thought I had was that I was scared you would die at that moment by trying to kill me.  There was nothing I could do.  But, I knew beyond all doubt that I did not want you to die.

"I woke up in the hospital, and I hated myself for waking up.  I was sure that meant you were dead."  Seishirou paused to sip his tea, and Subaru was on the edge of his seat for even this small break in the story.  "I thought at first that I was upset because that meant you would not be the one to kill me.  It was the only way I could justify feeling anything over your death.  When I tried to tell myself that though, I knew I was wrong.  After everything that had happened, I--

"I think, if I could have remembered how, I think I might have cried.  I don't know; it's something that is still beyond me.  I felt worse than I ever imagined I could though.  It's then that I thought further upon what my mother had said.  She told me that some day I would find someone I loved.  She had loved me more than any other, and that was why she was destined to die by my hand.  It didn't bother her that I did not feel the same for her, but she said some day I would find someone.  She knew I did not love her.  She--"

Subaru shifted uncomfortably.  It was hard to imagine that this was the same person who had attacked him in the last concrete memory Subaru had of his life before.  Seishirou was looking into his tea as if it might offer up answers to the universe that he hadn't been able to find anywhere else.  He suddenly put the cup down with a dull thud and looked into Subaru's eyes.  "A while later you walked into the room, and I had a strong sense of déjà vu.  You'd been crying, and I couldn't imagine why you'd want to cry for me after what I'd done.  For a wild moment it was like I'd been transported back in time, and you were still crying over my stupid eye.  Really, Subaru-kun, you still look at me like you feel guilty over that some days."

"Maybe I do," he said, looking down at the table.  He pretended that the pattern in the wood was more interesting than, well, anything else.  It took an act of will to look up and see Seishirou's expression.  That, of course, brought his gaze automatically to the eye in question, and he cringed inwardly.

"Don't.  It's silly.  I don't know how many times we've had this talk, but it never does any good."  Still, Seishirou was smiling fondly at Subaru, as if this was something he had grown used to.  An endearing character flaw to tease about.

Subaru looked back down at his hands, wrapped around the teacup.  "I ran into a man who was blind.  It was that morning--I was on my way to visit you when I saw some kids teasing the man's seeing eye dog.  I chased them away, and we started talking.  I thought, maybe I should--that it was my duty to help you, if you needed it.  I didn't know what was going to happen, and I just wanted to make up for standing there so you felt you had to save me.  Everything was all my fault, and I had to make up for it somehow, so--"

"Subaru-kun."  Seishirou's lips were twitching, trying to hold in laughter.  "Are you saying you wanted to be my seeing eye dog?"

"Leave it to you to think of it like that," Subaru glared.  He'd tried to share something important, and it was turned into a joke.  It was...well...humiliating.  He didn't even know now why he'd bothered.  Why was he trying to open up to the person who had nearly killed him, and had killed his sister?  "Never mind.  I don't want to hear the rest of it.  I think I'm tired again."  It wasn't entirely a lie, but it was an exaggeration.  He just wanted some time to himself.  He had to think and regain his perspective.

"Subaru."  Seishirou looked like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to explain or apologize.

Subaru did not want to hear it though.  He stood up and walked into the living room.  He'd considered locking himself in the bedroom, but that was a worse embarrassment.  There was only one bedroom...and of course there was only one bed.  He refused to think about what that meant about the two of them.  So, he stretched out on the couch and closed his eyes, ending the conversation he'd been so eager to hear.

"I'll see you later tonight," Seishirou finally said.  "I have a job."

How did I live with him like this?  How did I live with myself knowing who and what he was?  He says he has a job like it's something perfectly natural, but he's going out to kill someone!

Some time later Subaru heard the front door click closed.  The whole apartment felt different without the presence of the Sakurazukamori, and Subaru rolled off the couch and stood uneasily.  He really had needed the rest...he had just been discharged after all.

He walked over to the small suitcase that he'd brought home with him from the hospital.  An outside pocket held the phone number Kamui had given him the day before.  With trembling hands he picked up the phone and dialed.

"Kamui, it's me.  I tried, but I don't know how I did it.  Can I leave now?  Please?"


	11. XI

Kamui was looking at Subaru with sheer exasperation.  "I still think it wasn't enough time to form an opinion, unless he tried to kill you or something.  Come on, Subaru, tell me what happened!"

"No."

"How am I supposed to talk you out of this if you won't tell me what happened?"

Subaru blinked a few times, looking at Kamui as if to double-check his sanity.  "I think you just answered your own question.  I don't want to be talked out of this."

Kamui crossed his arms stubbornly.  "Why not?"

Subaru found himself glaring despite the obviously friendly intentions Kamui had.  "He's not here right now because he has a job, Kamui.  Do I need to tell you what that job is?  He's out there right now for the express purpose of killing someone.  He is taking the life of a human being, and he left as casually as if he were off to file papers for a living!"

"I don't know," Kamui answered in a small voice.  "You've always loved him anyway, somehow."

"How?  How is it possible?  How can I love someone who embodies everything I've been taught to abhor?  From the day I became head of the Sumeragi --from the day I was born--he has been my antithesis.  I don't know how I could set that aside without hating myself every moment of every day."

That, of course, had to be the answer.  Subaru swallowed hard, trying to come to terms with that thought.  It wasn't such a shock to realize he must have hated himself.  At sixteen, it wasn't a far cry from reality in the first place.  He just didn't think about it.  Each failure he faced though...each job that went wrong...each person he just couldn't save...each time it wore away just a little more at his soul and self-esteem.  There were too many no-win situations in this field, and it was too easy to blame himself for not being good enough in one way or another.  How much more would nine years of this add to the hollow feeling surrounding his heart?

Kamui silently put a hand on Subaru's shoulder.  They stood that way for a while, neither of them wanting to talk.

"How can I forgive him for being my enemy?"

Kamui looked as if he'd been slapped.  He took a step and a half backward and began rubbing absently at a rather obvious scar that ran in a line on both sides of his hand.  Subaru had noticed it before, but hadn't gotten up the nerve to ask about it.  Whatever it was had to have been painful.  As he traced the line on the back of his hand, then on the palm, he began to speak softly.  "You told me once that sometimes necessity dictates our actions.  Necessity doesn't always give us a choice about what side of the battle we're on, and even when it does we don't always know what it means until too late."

"I don't understand how any of this could be necessary.  He...he...he killed Hokuto!  Why would that be necessary?"

Kamui was pale and almost shivering at this point.  He backed out of the room, mouth working silently for a moment or two before he found his voice.  "I won't try to talk you out of it anymore.  Nokoru-sama has assured us all repeatedly that we're welcome to stay here as long as necessary, so make yourself at home.  I-I'm sure we'll find each other working together again at some point."

"Kamui?"

It was amazing how fast the teenager could run when he put his mind to it.  Subaru entertained the thought of trying to catch up, but he was still injured and weary, and he wasn't sure this was the time to be testing his limits.

"What did I say?" he questioned aloud to the empty corridor.

He was surprised when a door down a little way opened up and Arashi's head poked out.  "Sumeragi-san."  Her face was a study in polite hesitation.  It was obvious she had something to say about this, but she also as obviously wasn't sure that it was her place to be the one to say it.

"I said something I really shouldn't have, didn't I?"

She nodded.  "If anyone had doubted your amnesia, this would be proof."

Subaru winced.  It was that bad?  "What--what was it?  What happened?"

Arashi hesitated a bit before walking out into the corridor to join him.  She was in her ever-present schoolgirl uniform, and her hair draped across her frame like a delicate curtain.  She was pretty, he decided, and he could appreciate what Sorata saw in her.  She was a living work of art--so why had it taken him so long to look at her?  He realized though that he wasn't really _looking_ at her now.  Not like that.

Before he could spend any time in speculation though, she was standing within conversational range and frowning speculatively.  "You were the one who knew more about this than the rest of us.  It seems strange to explain it to you.  Nevertheless, it seems that someone must.  Kamui was given a choice.  He had to decide if he wanted to protect the earth, or protect humanity."

Subaru nodded impatiently.  He knew that much--who didn't?  It had been foretold long ago, after all.

"What no one knew was that once he made his choice, another would rise to defend the choice he abandoned.  His twin star.  This turned out to be his best friend, Monou Fuuma.  That person became the other _Kamui_ , and we have been fighting him and the others since the decision was made.

"When the other _Kamui_ awoke within Monou, he pinned Kamui with the Shinken to a slab of concrete.  The other then tied his own sister up to the remains of crossbeams and killed her as Kamui watched.  Those two were the only family Kamui had left, and I suspect he liked the little sister more than even that."

"He killed his own sister?"  Subaru stared in horror, feeling it all the more for the deadpan way in which she had delivered this bit of history.

"Hinoto-hime told us that if Monou had not, Kamui himself would have.  This was unavoidable.  It was part of destiny, or necessity if you want to call it that.  And, despite what happened, apparently Kamui most wishes to save Monou-san from this fate.  Maybe it's him that Kamui loved most...he--never mind."  She looked away, and clearly meant that this was not the kind of speculation she should be making.  Before Subaru could ask, she shook her head and went on.  "Kamui has looked to you this whole time as his hope.  So much of what you've been through is similar to what he has had to face these past few months, and he clearly hoped that if you could find hope and happiness with the one you love, he might as well."

"Then, you think I should return to Seishirou-san so Kamui can feel better about his own life?"

Her gaze was steady and her eyes piercing as she delivered her next pronouncement.  "I think you should be honest with Kamui.  To do that, you must be honest with yourself."  She then strode impatiently back to her room.  "If you want truth, Sumeragi-san, you should honestly seek it."


	12. XII

"I think I need a cigarette," Subaru muttered to himself, sticking his trembling hands in his pockets.  They were at the mall, of all places.  He'd made the great mistake of admitting he'd left everything behind when he left Seishirou's apartment, since he didn't know for certain what was his and what wasn't.  He'd compounded the mistake by mentioning this in front of Yuzuriha, and she had decided it was necessary to take him shopping RIGHT NOW.

He wasn't sure, however, why Kamui had been forced with them.  All he knew was that Sorata and Arashi had seemed somehow smug as the three of them walked out the door together.

"Don't be like that," Yuzuriha chirped.  "This is the perfect chance for you to quit.  Smoking is such a disgusting habit, and you smell a lot better now anyway."

"Smell?"  Subaru blinked.  Since when did she go around sniffing him?  Sure, he was aware of how smoking made others smell...he'd become so aware of that scent by spending time with Seishirou...but it wasn't something he noticed otherwise.  It certainly wasn't something he'd comment on.

She just nodded.  "Yeah.  It makes Inuki want to sneeze, so we're both happier now that you're not doing it."

Oh.

"I'm sorry, Inuki," Subaru said softly, petting the spirit dog.

Yuzuriha grinned widely, looking bouncier than ever.  How was it possible for a girl to be so happy, and then somehow become even happier on top of it?  Though, Hokuto had been much the same.  Maybe it was just the type of girls both were.

He let himself be dragged into clothing shops, finding himself a little disconcerted by how much fashions had changed in all that time.  Everything was much more somber, and it was hard to find anything that Hokuto would find "fun".  Of course, she was not here to make him wear anything too outrageous, but he felt empty knowing that he couldn't even if he wanted to.  Another thing had been robbed from him with time and whatever had brought this amnesia.

"Matching hat and gloves?" Yuzuriha asked with a smile.  "I've never seen you wearing a hat, but it's really cute on you!"  She had hearts in her eyes as she insisted he try on the whole outfit and model it.

"Oh.  I thought...I mean, this is what I always wear, so...you mean...I don't anymore?"

Kamui and Yuzuriha both shook their heads, and Subaru immediately started to put everything back, flushed with embarrassment.  Yuzuriha protested loudly, adding to Subaru's embarrassment, and she wouldn't stop saying how cute he'd be in the clothes he'd first picked out.  Kamui held back quietly, obviously wary to get involved, but he wore a shy smile when Yuzuriha bullied Subaru into buying the entire outfit anyway.  Subaru understood now how rare it was to see Kamui smile, and the sting of humiliation faded when he saw that.

"Don't worry, it looks great on you!" Yuzuriha was enthusing as he walked slowly in front of the mirrors.

"It really does," Kamui admitted slowly.  "It makes you look younger though."

"I should pick something else out," Subaru murmured, growing more and more embarrassed.

Yuzuriha jumped all over Subaru for that, insisting that he was being silly, and it was no crime to look cute or younger or anything else Subaru might try to object to.  Twenty-five was hardly over the hill, she said loudly, but this had the reverse effect she'd intended.  "I almost forgot," he groaned.  "I have to look more dignified.  At least for when I'm working, I do."

Yuzuriha almost had a meltdown.  "Grown-ups always try to make themselves look younger!  Nobody is going to think anything about it, and you can pick out different things to wear while you're working, but you need some fun clothes too!"

Too...much...enthusiasm...Subaru felt his resistance fading just so she'd calm down.

The deciding factor though was when Kamui nodded.

All the clothes he bought that day would have had Hokuto's seal of approval...though reluctantly since they weren't quite as bright and attention-drawing.  He was still sure these were the clothes she would have picked, if she'd been here.  They went to a few different clothing stores, but finally Subaru and Kamui's reluctance wore on Yuzuriha, and they were going to leave--

"He's so cute!  Just like when Inuki was a puppy!"  Yuzuriha was firmly planted in front of a pet store, practically glowing as she watched the small animals frolic.

Subaru pressed up against the glass, drawn to the display and tormented by it at the same time.  He was thinking of all the poor creatures that had been in Seishirou's care...how many had actually been picked up by their owners?  How many had met a gruesome fate?  He saw the puppy Yuzuriha meant right away and smiled at it sadly.  "Be glad you're here and not there," he whispered, feeling his heart break a little as he remembered a similar puppy he'd only played with a few weeks--no, years and years ago.

Yuzuriha rushed into the store with Inuki close on her heels.  Kamui shrugged and followed, leaving Subaru to wonder what had actually drawn them inside.  He followed and saw--Yuzuriha was talking to a clerk who held a small black and white kitten in her hands, letting the customers come up and touch it.  The kitten was surprisingly complacent, since most cats did not take to being handled by strangers.  This one was purring loudly though and drank in all the attention. 

"I can bring out a few toys for the kitten to play with, if someone will hold her for a moment?" the clerk was saying as Subaru joined the group.

Two children were jumping up and down, begging for the honor, and the clerk looked at them skeptically.

"Perhaps an adult," she said, looking directly at Subaru.  "Would you mind, sir?"

The children turned eyes full of equal parts envy and pleading upon him, ignoring the surprise on his face.  He was shocked to be called sir like that, by someone he'd have thought of as older than him.  She looked to be about twenty years old--it took him aback completely.  So much so that he found himself nodding weakly and taking the kitten instead of protesting like he'd wanted to.

The kitten stopped purring at first, surprised to have found a new and unfamiliar perch.  He cradled it to his chest, and it immediately squirmed upward, clawing his shirt to butt its head against his chin, demanding to be petted right away.  He didn't have a choice, really.  When the children began jumping up and down because they could not reach the kitten, Subaru happily knelt on the shop floor and the three of them petted the kitten.  He was not wearing gloves today, a choice he'd made in conscious defiance to habit and the necessity of trying to hide something that had never been effectively hidden.  So, he was surprised at how soft the kitten's fur was.  Far softer than he'd remembered or imagined all this time.  Far softer to feel the short, silky hairs against his fingers than pressed against his face as he'd done so many times at Seishirou's office.  No matter how he'd tried to feel like that before, there was no substitute for touching things with his own hands.

Yet another thing Seishirou had robbed him of.

It was hard to keep those melancholy thoughts though, when the kitten was so lovable and friendly.  When the clerk returned with toys the kitten perked up, clearly recognizing that this was playtime.  To show how well behaved the kitten was, she asked Subaru to set it on the floor, and she also knelt to get close enough with a small stick that had a bright pink feather at the end.  The kitten happily chased the feather, and at some point Yuzuriha and Kamui and the children knelt to form a circle for the kitten to play within.  Subaru only noticed this when the feather trailed across Kamui's lap and the kitten tore after it, a streak of black and white that didn't quite dodge fast enough and ended up knocking up against Kamui's chest mid-leap.  Everybody laughed at the dazed look on the kitten's face.  Kamui's eyes locked on Subaru's, both of them surprised to see a smile on the other's face.  At the same time they both looked away, watching the kitten as it now chased a small ball with a jingle bell inside of it.  The ring of people kept the ball from going wild across the floor, and another circle of shoppers stood in a ring around them to watch.

Subaru caught the ball and rolled it across the circle, absently scratching an itch at the back of his hand.  The kitten almost flipped over, standing on its hind legs and pouncing as the ball passed, but missing it by mere inches.  People were laughing and clapping, making promises of buying a cat because this one was too adorable to resist.

The kitten got tired of playing eventually, and showed everyone in the store that it was done by jumping up on Subaru's lap and refusing to chase after anything else.  The children immediately jumped up and started begging their parents for the kitten--thankfully it appeared that the two were siblings, or one of them would have been going home very disappointed.  He picked up the ball of fluff so he could stand, holding it in his right hand so he could use his left hand to scratch the itch that had been recurring this whole time.

He looked down this time, since the kitten was right there.  It took him that long to notice that the scars on the backs of his hands...the ones that were usually so faded as to be unnoticeable...were bright white and standing out clearly in the shape of perfect inverted stars.  His eyes went wide, then shot up to take in the faces around him.  In a break between people in the nearby crowd, he saw who he was looking for.

His eyes locked gazes with Seishirou for a small eternity.  Maybe a second, maybe two, but it was long enough for his heart to squeeze painfully and his breath to start coming in short gasps.  He felt Kamui place a concerned hand on his shoulder, and he snapped out of it, turning away.  He handed the kitten back to the clerk and shoved his hands into his pockets.  He headed to the back of the store, pretending to look at the fish, while he blinked back the tears that threatened.

Thankfully, his friends were understanding enough to give him a few minutes.


	13. XIII

Subaru hadn't been bothered by insomnia while he was in the hospital.  Well, he had, but there had been a solution there.  His medication made him drowsy, so he didn't realize that at any other time he would be quite unable to sleep.  He was given a prescription for something else upon release though, since it was obvious he was no longer in the same amount of pain.  Not that he'd bothered getting the prescription filled.  The day had been full, and he didn't think he would need it.

He wondered if he had, would he still be staring at the ceiling at two in the morning?

He'd been staring like that for hours, occasionally trying to find a more comfortable position.  Mostly though, he was thinking.  He couldn't get his brain to shut up.  At that moment, Subaru would have given anything for a mental "off" button. 

He climbed slowly out of bed, not sure what he would do once he left.  He pulled one of his new outfits, including the gloves but leaving the hat behind.  He wasn't sixteen anymore, no matter what his memories whispered to him, and it just didn't look the same when he wore hats now.  Maybe he'd just have to get used to it.  Maybe he never would, and he'd have to live with wasting that money.  The gloves though--he wasn't sure how he felt about the gloves now.  Cloth prisons that kept him from being a part of this world...and yet, he felt so horribly exposed--naked--without them.

It was with no surprise that he found himself outside, wrapping his white overcoat tightly around himself to ward off the chill.  With automatic motions he fished in the pockets for something that wasn't there.  He realized a moment before his hands reached that emptiness that he was looking for a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.  He just couldn't escape it, even though he didn't remember smoking a day in his life.

...like a burning sandpaper in his throat, and the flavor was dry and grew bitter in his mouth, and a queasy feeling only grew stronger as great wracking coughs shook him through and through...he was thankful he hadn't eaten anything recently as instead he found himself shuddering uncontrollably...he was half way through his first cigarette when he threw it to the ground, stamping out the vile thing viciously while he cried, remembering Hokuto's voice that smoking must taste like "French kissing an ashtray"...an hour later he lifted another white paper cylinder to his lips with trembling fingers and tried again...

Subaru leaned back on a nearby wall, letting the memory wash over him.  If that's what it was like, why did he keep trying so hard?  It was disgusting.  It was sickening.  It--

Shadows from the past reached forward with fingers and he followed the memory like thread through a maze.  The answer to why loomed in front of him, looking coldly logical and thoroughly insane, and he ran from it like his own doom lurked there.  He stood, shivering, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to force it all away again.

Thankfully, for his tenuous sanity, it worked.  The answer took a step back and faded back into the nine-year void.  He remembered now what it was like to smoke though--not just the first, but what it was actually like.  That was more than enough to deal with all at once, and he thrust his hands impatiently into his pockets.  Much as he hated to think of it this way, he had to agree with Seishirou.  This was a perfect opportunity to quit.  He was almost there, the hard part was behind him without realizing what he'd gone through, and he should take advantage of it.

But, he'd never really wanted to quit.

That realization hit him like a speeding bus on the highway.  Why not?  It may have been something temporarily soothing, but there were healthier ways of coping with stress.  He reached for the answer, but it slipped into the darkness where he dared not reach.  Whatever it was, he didn't want to know.

He started walking, knowing no purpose in his steps, just knowing that CLAMP's campus was huge and he wouldn't run out of areas to explore.  Things had changed a great deal since he went to high school here with Hokuto.  Imonoyama Nokoru was a person who believed whole-heartedly in modernization, and everywhere Subaru looked he saw evidence of this.  Of course, it was tempered with tradition--much like all of Japan.  It was a strange marriage of the latest technology with the truest of traditions.  Locked nine years into the past, where did that put Subaru?  His mind was outdated, but not old enough to be of value that way either.

What a depressing train of thoughts.

"No.  My job, my training, my position...I am a living relic in these times," he said aloud in a bitter tone.  He ran a hand absently through his hair, unhappy with the idea of that being the sum of his worth to this world...to Japan...to the Tokyo he loved so well.  So, what had he been before his memories had been lost?  A Dragon of Heaven for one.  He fought on the side of humanity, and on the side of hope.  He helped others.  Right?

But, where did living with Seishirou factor into all of this?  They were destined to fight on opposite sides.  So, it could not have been easy for both of them to fulfill their duties in this battle, right?  Obviously, Subaru had been doing at least enough to help Kamui and the others.  They were all friends--or at least friendly.  He couldn't have been holding back too much in that case.  So, what about Seishirou?

He couldn't figure it out.  There simply wasn't enough information available to him, and whatever had inspired that flash of memory earlier was gone now.  The Seishirou he'd known so well before wasn't real, so he couldn't find answers in his motivations and actions there.  Likewise, he could not go with the assumption that Seishirou was nothing more than a cold and unfeeling killer.  He wished he could, but the emotions on the assassin's face had been genuine since Subaru woke up.  He couldn't explain the difference, even to himself, but he knew.  He just knew.

Didn't he?

Well, no.  It was entirely possible that this was some new game.  There was no proof, and Subaru was all too aware that he'd been fooled easily once before.  Logic had nothing to do with it though.  Subaru knew.  The doubts crept up, and hit some sort of wall where they were dismissed as ridiculous.

That seemed to answer that.  Maybe irrefutable proof had been offered in the span of time Subaru could not remember.  Other things seemed not to have been lost, though he couldn't pinpoint how he knew that.  That's just what was.

So, Seishirou was being genuine.  They had been together and presumably in love.  No, make that utterly in love, for the same reason Subaru knew Seishirou's emotions were genuine.  Despite everything, it had worked somehow.  For five years.  Things had worked like this for five years.

"I would have been twenty," he told himself.  That was so old.  That was so young.  "That's right.  Young because I'm twenty-five."  Seishirou's age.  Well.  The age he had been.  Was it coincidence?  Was it a cosmic joke?  The great cosmic joker favored ironic humor, clearly.

That left four years after Hokuto's death for them to have started living together.  Four whole years--but it didn't seem enough.  They were twins.  She had been half of his soul, and an eternity seemed too short a time for Subaru to ever forgive her murder.  So, how?  How did he live with himself while he lived happily ever after in Seishirou's bed?  It was disgusting for him to think about now, and a great self-loathing welled up and almost overwhelmed him.

Disgusting--and attractive.  Another wave of self-loathing hit him as he realized on some level he really wanted to be with Seishirou right now.  No matter what he'd done, they were in love with each other.  So, how could Subaru forgive himself for that?  How could he forgive his past self for--

No.

There had to be something he was missing.  There must be many things Seishirou had yet to tell him about the past.  Well, Subaru had ended the conversation rather abruptly, so it was obvious that many things had gone unsaid.  They were all locked within his memory.

But, if wandering around with his thoughts this night had brought Subaru anything, it was the realization that there were many memories he just did not want.  For some reason or another, he did not want to remember.  He had a sneaking suspicion that a great deal of that reason was Seishirou.

He did not want to remember being this much in love with the person he had to hate.


	14. XIV

Everyone had something to do the next evening.  Subaru didn't inquire too deeply into what these things might be, because he didn't want to feel guilty about going off on his own for a few more rounds of deep thought.  He decided to walk around Tokyo and try to bring more memories to the surface, but hours later he didn't have anything to show for it.

He planned to be out for as long as it took to either remember something or wear himself out enough to sleep...but this was not to be.  He was just taking one step after another through the bizarrely similar yet alien neighborhoods he remembered.  His steps faltered as a strange feeling came over him, like a pulling or a drawing, and he sensed a great deal of energy being gathered somewhere.  He jumped to higher ground casually, and was somehow unsurprised to see a great, faintly green circular kekkai settle into place some distance away.  He knew whose that had to be somehow.  Yuzuriha.  It just made sense that hers would be circular, though he didn't know how he jumped to that conclusion.

For a time he just watched, stunned.  Somehow, the implications of meeting the other Dragons of Heaven had not quite sunk in.  He had a vague idea that he'd lost his memory in a battle like this, and he'd seen the effects of the "earthquakes" as he'd wandered the city, but looking at this happening brought home a new dimension of reality to what was going on.  These weren't just random friends Subaru had made over time.  They were comrades in a war to determine the fate of the world.  Even sweet little Yuzuriha, who appeared too slight to be any good in a fight--she had obvious immeasurable power to defeat those who stood against her.  They all did.  They all had to.

Subaru shook himself.  This was a clear signal for battle, and all he was doing was standing on a random rooftop and gawking.  He should be helping.  He should be running to her side, just in case.  Even as he came to that decision he saw the kekkai begin to crumble and fade.

"Yuzuriha-chan!"

He ran, leaping from building to building, using whatever he could to launch from, knowing that whatever had broken her...he would be too late.  Whatever had happened, he was already too late to help her.  He hoped someone else had been closer; that someone else had been able to get there, whatever happened.  Maybe she was only injured.  Maybe she was knocked unconscious.  Sorata or Arashi would surely be by her side, or maybe one of the other adults like Aoki or Karen.  Kamui would have hurried to her aid as well, so there was a chance...and Subaru had to believe in that chance.

Even as he had that thought though, he felt another gathering of power, and saw a tremendous explosion not far away.  No kekkai was raised...why not?  Who fought this time?  If Subaru could not reach Yuzuriha in time, maybe he would be more help here.  Maybe he could avert disaster this time.

The scene, when he arrived, was some twisted nightmare version of reality.  Slabs of concrete had been ripped from the ground and tossed aside with titanic might and spectacular disregard for the surroundings.  Blood seemed to stain everything, some of it in small dots of splashes, some in great streaks, and at one point he saw a great pool of it. Amidst the rubble a corpse was tossed carelessly.  Its head stared unseeing in a direction that was almost looking at the body, and Subaru stared uneasily for a moment.  This was only the starting point.  The fight went on, moving onward and upward...and Subaru leapt quickly to see what he could do.

Upon the rooftop, Subaru froze in shock and horror.  He only half-saw the reality of Kamui with his hand plunged into--through--the chest of the taller guy in front of him.  Everything froze around them, capturing the absolute shock on all three faces.

_...for a wild moment, Subaru thought he was seeing an image of himself beneath that accursed tree, dressed in his ceremonial robe, ready to face Seishirou-san one last time.  It wasn't though.  And, if it wasn't himself he saw, it could only be one person..._

_"...I won't let you kill Subaru!..."_

_"...You can't kill me, Hokuto..."_

_"...I know...but...there is one spell that only I can use..."_

_"...only you?..."_

_"...I want you to kill me..."_

_...his hand was like a knife, or a sword, cleanly plunged through her heart as he held her close in an embrace that Subaru almost envied...she called out Subaru's name as she died...smiled up at Seishirou through her pain...blood...so much blood...Hokuto's blood, everywhere, tinting everything red...staining the sakura petals a more brilliant shade of pink until that pink was all Subaru could see...Hokuto, limp, in his arms, and Seishirou was smiling sweetly right at him...looking right at him..._

Subaru fell to his knees.

Time began again.  Tears were falling down Kamui's face, and the person he'd just tried to kill had a faintly amused look on his face.  It was an expression Subaru could so easily see Seishirou wearing...an expression so detached from concern for a simple thing like death or mere pain....  With a sickening slurp, the boy pulled Kamui's hand from his own body and held it over his heart.  "This is the spot.  Here."  He pressed Kamui's hand harder over that spot, smearing blood in a bright patch like a target.  Kamui's aim had been too high and a little far over...this new spot was only half stained with blood from the first wound.  "You see?  That's where you want to aim."

Kamui's eyes widened, growing blank, looking withdrawn.  Subaru too did not know what to make of this.  He shuddered, holding himself, trying not to be sick.  He saw himself reflected in Kamui's eyes and wondered if he would do any better...no.  He wasn't even the one involved and all he could do was stare.

"What's wrong?  Go on..." he bent closer to Kamui, almost like a lover's embrace.  "I'll die.  One blow is all it takes."

Kamui's hand finally clenched in the t-shirt material, and he clung to the young man's chest desperately.  "Why?  Tell me!"  His voice broke, and he took a great gasp of breath.  "Fuuma...why?"

Subaru could see the brief look of sadness...of disappointment...upon Fuuma's face.  Then, it was gone.  His eyes became intense, dangerous, and Subaru found himself climbing back to his feet as he watched the next events unfold.  Fuuma pulled Kamui into an even closer embrace, making a show of tasting the tears that fell down his face, wiping them from Kamui's cheeks so intimately and kindly....  "Chances like that don't come along every day," Fuuma admonished gently.  "Pity to have wasted it."

Everything from that point happened in that chaos that turns events into something that happens "all at once."  Fuuma tossed Kamui like a rag doll across the roof, pulling telekinetically at the structure to provide him with a nice surface to pin Kamui against.  Subaru started impotently forward before he realized he could actually do something useful to help his friend and protect everything around them.  It was a little belated on his part, but he concentrated everything he had into weaving the magic he was so familiar with into the great kekkai of the Dragons of Heaven, removing this place from the rest of the world carefully.  It was a protective measure, but it was also a beacon to his allies and a battle cry.  He'd just declared war upon this person, Fuuma, who so carelessly and ruthlessly handled Kamui.


	15. XV

Fuuma chuckled, not looking away from where he had Kamui pinned with shards of glass and snakes of spare wire and cabling.

"Sumeragi," he stated in an amused tone.  "I would have thought you'd know better than to get between me and Kamui, after what happened last time."  He finally turned around, giving Subaru a bright smile, all false kindness like the smiles Subaru was so used to from the kindly mask of a veterinarian that had become his most beloved....  "Oh, that's right.  You forgot."  The smile twisted into a cold smirk...again an expression so much like Seishirou would make....  "Such a hassle to have to teach it to you again.  But, it was your Wish, and I'm the one who granted it."

"My...Wish...?"  Subaru stared, taking an involuntary step backward as Fuuma stalked closer.

"Yes.  It didn't help, did it?  You poor thing," Fuuma said sympathetically, grinning a predatory grin when Subaru found himself backed against a wall.  He placed a hand on either side of Subaru, leaning in.  "You poor, poor thing," he whispered.  "Your Wish is even more fucked up than it was before, isn't it?"

Some instinct for self-preservation propelled Subaru into action, making him dodge away and draw his attacker further from Kamui's injured form.  He reached automatically for the ofuda he always kept handy in his coat pocket--

\--right next to his cigarettes--

\--neither of which were there.

Fuck.

This was going to be difficult without his foci.  Not impossible, but...life or death situation without the tools he had grown so used to?  It was going to be painful to say the least.  Subaru gathered his power, concentrating, visualizing what he wanted and the exact boundaries--he touched the spots as he dodged, marking them mentally and with a trace of his energy.  He dodged again at the last moment, satisfied that Fuuma was following him, ready to touch the last spot and trigger the spell--

He was slammed suddenly against a wall opposite of where he wanted to be.  He was lucky to be able to cushion himself with a burst of energy, but it still stung and knocked the wind out of him.  He lost the concentration necessary for the spell to work.

"The problem with a trap," Fuuma said calmly, "is that the one you are trapping must be surprised in order for it to be effective.  We've played this game before, Subaru-kun."

What?

Subaru jumped away from the wall before Fuuma decided to take advantage of his helplessness...but he was starting to get seriously disturbed.  That last bit had erased from his mind that it was coincidence somehow that Fuuma kept reminding him of Seishirou.  He knew--he just knew that addressing him like that had been a taunt.  It had been deliberate.

But, that didn't explain why, at that moment, Fuuma had _looked_ just like Seishirou. 

He was left with few alternatives.  Complex spells were out of the question.  Or, maybe not.  He looked for something sharp and his eyes landed upon a piece of glass.  He dove for it quickly, scraping arm with it and dipping a finger into the blood.  This would work.  This would be perfect.  He ran for cover, needing only to borrow a few moments.

Practice made the complex symbols form quickly as he drew upon the steel side of the roof vent.  He had to dip his finger into the red liquid a few times, but he was able to ignore the stinging sensation and was satisfied with what he'd done.  He brought his hands together, his fingers falling easily into place despite the complex positioning.  Again, this was aided by many years of practice.  He backed away slowly, smoothly, and began to chant.  Energy crackled in the air, and he had almost uttered the last necessary syllable when he felt a hand wrap around his neck and cut off his air.

The spell exploded, discharging the energy violently.  It took a great chunk of the building with it, but the blast had been directed in the opposite direction.  That meant Subaru was unaffected by it...but it also meant that Fuuma escaped unscathed.

"Nasty side effect, just from interrupting the spell.  I'd hate to see what would have happened if I'd let you finish it."  Fuuma looked calmly at Subaru, smiling as he released his grip enough to let the onmyouji breathe.

In the background they could hear Kamui crying out, protesting helplessly.  It was just background noise to Subaru until he made out the words, "Not again!"

"Again?" he rasped, still gasping for precious air and wondering how long that would last.

Fuuma just laughed.  "Yes.  This is feeling remarkably like déjà vu, except Nataku was here last time.  And, I remember I told you then that the easiest and fastest way to escape a kekkai is to kill the one who erected it."

Oh, shit.

"Your Wish has changed so much in a week's time.  And then, just like now, granting that Wish will give me my freedom.  Thank you, for having such a delightfully messed up mind, Subaru-kun."

And again, he looked just like Seishirou.  The one person he wanted to see the most right now.  The last person he wanted to see right now.  It was all jumbled in his mind and confusing, but he had a sinking sensation that he knew what Wish Fuuma had found within his heart this time and an overwhelming sense of dread hit him.

"Why...why do you look...like...?"

"Because you want me to," Fuuma leaned closer, almost whispering the answer.  "Just like last time.  And fate's hand can only be stayed for so long."

Subaru nodded, closing his eyes to take a deep breath and prepare himself.

As if he could.


	16. XVI

Before Subaru had lost consciousness, he thought he'd heard something...felt someone...rushing toward them.  A dark figure had filled his view, rushing toward them, as he watched Fuuma's fingers descend.  It was at the moment that the pain offered sweet release from consciousness that he felt some secondary, bone-jarring impact.  At the same time, he heard Kamui's panicked cry, and that carried him to oblivion like a twisted lullaby.

He fought to regain consciousness despite the pain.  He was not out for long, and when he came to he could hear voices arguing nearby.  He managed to pry his left eye open and saw through a haze of red that Seishirou was hovering over him protectively, glaring intently at Fuuma.

" _Kamui,_ " Seishirou began through clenched teeth, "I don't care what kind of foreplay you indulge in with their Kamui, but I ask you to keep my boyfriend out of it.  I don't care what you think he wishes for."

"Ask him yourself, Sakurazukamori.  This, like the other, was his Wish."

Subaru curled up in a ball and groaned.

"I think that's my cue to let you two love birds have a little heart-to-heart," Fuuma said with a smirk.  He turned and walked to the edge of the building and jumped away.

The building swayed beneath them, though at first Subaru thought it was just vertigo.  He heard two voices call out, one male and one female, and running footfalls approached.  "Subaru-san!  What happened?"  It was Arashi's shocked voice that actually caught his ear.

"Kamui...he's hurt..." Subaru gestured vaguely in the direction he thought Kamui was still in, though he could be wrong.  He didn't want to bother opening his eye to check.  The world was spinning and making him sick.

He felt strong arms pick him up as easily as if he were a child, and Seishirou's protective voice rumbled in his ear.  "I will take care of Subaru."

There was a moment of strained silence before Sorata's voice answered, "We'll meet you at the hospital then."

Subaru clung weakly to Seishirou's coat, feeling renewed pain with every shift of position and altitude.  Every jolt, every shift, every motion was a new agony, and he no longer remembered why he wanted so much to be conscious.  As Seishirou carried him swiftly through the chaos surrounding them, Subaru was unsurprised to hear sirens in the distance, growing closer and then fading away.

"Seishirou-san," he murmured softly into the older man's chest.  Even that hurt.  No, it wasn't that talking hurt so much, though it did...it was somehow more painful though that Seishirou had been there.  He'd seen Subaru give up and give in to what Fuuma had done.

Seishirou looked down, and then cradled him closer.  "Hush, it's okay.  We're almost there."

Subaru realized that while he was mortified that Seishirou had seen the events, and had witnessed the realization of such a twisted Wish, he was also somewhat satisfied.  _This is what you do to me, Seishirou-san.  This is how you hurt me.  This is how you've touched my life._

He hated himself for those thoughts.

"It's not okay," he whispered hoarsely.  "I'm sorry, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou didn't even break stride this time.  His eyes hardened.  "You're the last person who should be apologizing right now, Subaru."

"He was right.  It was my Wish."

Seishirou actually winced.  They were within sight of the emergency room now, and Seishirou walked forward with quick and purposeful strides.  "Can we talk about it later?"

Subaru stiffened, holding his breath as he thought about that request.  It really was a request, too.  Not just a politely structured command.  Maybe that's why Subaru found himself nodding.  "Yes."

Then they were inside the emergency room, and didn't have any time to talk further.  "My friend was injured in the earthquake.  Help him."

_That_ was unmistakably a command, and despite how busy things looked to be already, the nurses hastened to obey.  Before he knew it, Subaru found himself stretched out on a gurney, being wheeled quickly down a stark white hall.  Seishirou was still by his side.  He vaguely heard soft exclamations around him, and heard one nurse gasp about his eye, and that only made it ache worse.  He'd never forget this pain....

Seishirou was holding onto his hand, a reassuring strength as they headed toward the operating room.  Then, they reached a set of doors, and Seishirou was told he could not go past that point, and Subaru let go of his hand, and it was a twisted mirror of déjà vu, where Seishirou was left looking stricken on the other side of those doors and Subaru was the one to go past them.  It was right.  It was just.  It was balanced.

It was then that he finally passed out again.


	17. XVII

Dreams, visions, and memories all warred in Subaru's mind.  He knew he wasn't conscious.  He retained the knowledge of what had happened to him.  This time though, he was not granted a peaceful oblivion.  He felt every minute passing; he just wasn't connected to anything that happened to his physical self.

Before him loomed a dark shape, fed by hate and pain and all the evil wishes a grieving mind could project.  Years ago, as a small child, he had been drawn to this being and had thought only of helping it.  He'd seen something then that had been driven from his mind by the events that happened after.  This darkness did not wish to be this way.  So, he had cast the beginning exorcism spells he'd just been taught, innocently believing that he could do anything.  He had to help.  Nothing deserved to be in such pain.

Today though...today he knew better.  No simple exorcism would help this evil; no elementary spell would ease this ancient pain.  "I'm sorry there is nothing I can do to help you," he whispered in his dream, looking at the Tree with the wide-eyed innocence of a nine-year-old again.

It seemed to understand, though it did not quite grasp his compassion.  It seemed a pointless emotion, to feel sorrow for something that could not be helped.

"No emotion is pointless," Subaru said.  "Or, maybe all of them are.  It doesn't stop me from feeling them."

Wind blew through the branches, shifting the leaves and causing a stir.  Subaru saw a figure sitting at the base of the Tree, looking at him with its head cocked to the side in silent inquiry.

"Do you represent Tree-san?"

The figure shrugged.  It walked toward Subaru, touching his face, looking into his eyes, blinking at him a few times.  It sighed.

"You stole my big sister."

It shrugged again, nodding once.  It touched his lips as if to hush him, then made a gesture toward where the actual body of the Tree loomed.

"She is part of you now?"

It looked frustrated.  It hesitated, nodding slightly, then shaking its head violently from side to side.

"I don't understand!"

Arms suddenly encircled him.  "Silly Subaru."

He almost sobbed in relief.  "Hokuto-chan."

"Tree-chan is miserable enough without the pair of us adding to it.  Yes.  I gave myself over to Tree-chan, to save your life and in hope of a brighter future.  Part of me is part of Tree-chan.  But, I am part of you as well.  I am part of Grandmother, and Sei-chan.  A soul can not be devoured because it can not be contained."

It was just like Hokuto to say the words he needed to hear.  "I miss you," he said, crushing her close, never wanting to let go.  "Why did you do this?"

"To give you both a second chance.  I love you, and I want you to be happy.  Silly that you would have to ask."

"So you made it so we can't kill each other without killing ourselves?"

Hokuto seemed amused by this.  "That should go without saying, with or without my spell.  I just needed to make sure Sei-chan knew it first before he could understand."

They held each other while Subaru let those words sink in.  He finally nodded, though he still did not like it.  "I should have been the one to die."

"And that, dear brother, is the reason I'm the one who had to."

"I don't understand."

"I hope some day you will," she said sadly.  She let go of him and stepped back toward the ominous presence of the Tree.

"Don't leave me!"  But, the dream was fading away around him.  Reality lurked in every corner of his mind, waiting to grab him.

"I never have, and I never will."

He wanted to protest, he wanted to tell her it wasn't the same thing, he wanted to scream at her not to go...but he found himself unable.  Instead he looked at the figure frozen off to the side, waiting like a defunct doll.

"Thank you, Tree-san."

It looked at him in deep consideration.  The dream crumbled around him, taking everything with it until only the Tree's face remained...and then it smiled.

For a moment Subaru drifted between sleep and awake, remembering the dream, mulling it over carefully.  He would lose it upon waking.  He didn't want to, but already it was slipping from him.  The details were hazy, and too soon even those would be gone.  If only he could hold on to the feelings....

He opened his eye carefully, knowing partly what to expect, but not realizing how distracting it would be.  Every child, at some point, gets curious and wanders around for a few minutes, or an hour, or maybe longer, with one eye closed.  Just to see what it's like.  It was like that, only with pain, and rather disconcerting when he wanted to open his other eye to stop that funny feeling.  Of course, he couldn't, and never would again, and his body protested this a bit by trying to panic, but he really couldn't do that.

"You're awake."

Subaru blinked, nodding carefully.  He looked up at Seishirou and saw something that reminded him--"I had a strange dream."

"With the sedatives they have you on, I'm surprised."

"Hokuto was there."  He watched, still feeling hazy.  He noted how Seishirou glanced downward, then blinked, looking ever-so-faintly guilty.  Subaru smiled, throwing Seishirou further off.  "It was a good dream."

In the absence of any other options, Seishirou smiled gently and squeezed Subaru's hand...the first that Subaru realized they'd been holding hands this whole time.  "I'm glad the dream made you happy."

"There was someone else there too.  Someone that reminded me of you, but it wasn't you.  I don't know.  It made sense in my dream."

Seishirou reached forward to gently touch Subaru's cheek.  "It's okay, Subaru-kun.  That's the way dreams are sometimes."

"Wasn't just a dream," he protested, feeling fuzzy around the edges.  He was starting to realize that it must be the medication, rather than from just waking up.

"Then, you can tell me about it later.  You're not supposed to be awake yet."

Subaru pouted.  "I won't remember it then."

Seishirou smiled patiently.  "Then tell me now."

He sighed, looking wistfully away.  "Can't.  I don't remember it now."

"Go back to sleep, Subaru."  Seishirou kissed him gently on the forehead.

"Okay," he breathed softly, closing his eye, and letting the medicine drag him down into the waves of unconsciousness again.


	18. XVIII

Subaru woke up alone.  He had a vague recollection that he had woken once before, and that Seishirou had been there, but now he was alone.

He was surprised that it hurt so much, and that he felt abandoned by the assassin.  It was silly to feel like this.  He knew Seishirou would be back--right?  He always showed up again.  But, for several long moments he doubted.  He wondered.  What, exactly, would it take to drive Seishirou away?  Without knowing what they really had between them, he didn't know how strong whatever they had was.

The window was showing a bright and sunny day, with only a few puffy clouds drifting past.  Subaru wondered how long it would be before he would get out of here this time.  He'd just gotten out of the hospital, and already he was right back in.  And, if Fuuma could be believed, it was for the same reason.

He groaned and curled up on his side.  He was starting to feel pain, and that didn't help his mood at all.  A nurse would probably be in soon.  Then he wouldn't feel so alone and abandoned.  Subaru was finding that he really did hate hospitals, and it went beyond what had happened to him as a teenager.  He knew somehow that it went beyond the things he could remember, but he did not want to think too hard on that now.

Subaru's heart leapt a moment before he became aware that someone had entered the room.  A full two moments before he realized who it was.  He rolled over with a mix of hope and apprehension.  "Seishirou-san."  He tried to sit up, but his whole head started throbbing.

"Don't try to sit up yet," Seishirou said, hurrying over.  "That's why the bed elevates.  Or, have you forgotten already?"

Subaru shook his head sheepishly and pushed the button to elevate the head of the bed.  "I was surprised," he started, not wanting to admit he'd been afraid Seishirou would not be there at all.

Seishirou nodded, sitting easily at the side of the bed.  "When I left you were fast asleep," he said, shaking his head slowly.  "How long were you curled up in a little ball of misery?"

"You saw that?"  Subaru blushed slightly, ashamed to have been caught at that...still ashamed to be caught at so many things it seemed....

"No," Seishirou's lips quirked into a half smile.  "I just know you."

"I'm that predictable?"  He couldn't help it...he found himself pouting, and it was almost playful.  He felt right, acting like this.  Like it was perfectly natural between them.

Seishirou's face brightened, making Subaru's heart start beating faster.  "Not in the least," he said, caressing Subaru's cheek.  "You're constantly surprising me.  After five years of living together, there are just some things you know."

Oh.  "So, we really lived together for that long?"

"Yes."  He stared intently into the younger onmyouji's eyes, leaning forward.  "I was telling you the absolute truth when I said I loved you," Seishirou murmured.

Subaru just did not know what to say about that.  He stared up at Seishirou in wonder, feeling the truth in those words more than he imagined possible.  He hesitantly lifted a hand to Seishirou's chest, hovering over his heart, as if he could touch the emotion with his fingers and find its echo within himself.

Someone else had entered the room.

It wasn't enough to break the two of them apart for a long moment, but it held them in check until Subaru looked over toward the door.  He pulled away suddenly, staring in wide-eyed surprise.  The figure in the wheelchair looked equally surprised.

"Grandmother," Subaru squeaked.

Seishirou stood and sighed.  "I'm going to go have another cigarette."

Subaru shot him a pleading glance, not wanting to be left alone with her to try to explain things.  He didn't even know what he would explain.  Panic rose in his chest, but Seishirou was already walking out the door, raising the cigarette in his hand as if in salute.  He didn't look back.

"Subaru-san," she began with a sigh, wheeling herself into the room.

Great.  What was he supposed to say now?


	19. XIX

"Subaru-san...your eye."  His grandmother looked so concerned, but she also looked disturbed.

He couldn't bear under her scrutiny, so he sighed and looked up at the ceiling.  "It was a small price to pay for that battle," he said in a small voice.

"It's too much for coincidence that it would be that eye."

Staring straight upward gave Subaru a sense of distance from the situation.  He found the strength to just tell her the truth, no matter how damning.  "Yes.  It's not a coincidence that it was my right eye."

There was a long silence between them, and Subaru still refused to look at her.  He was afraid of what he would see in her eyes.  He was surprised then when he felt her take his hand...surprised that she would leave behind formality and show affection so blatantly.

"Subaru-san, I promised myself I would not burden you with my worry because what you do is necessary to the survival of mankind.  These last five years though--" She stopped herself, and he felt her let go of his hand.  He looked over at her to see her looking away.

"You mean, since I've been with Seishirou-san."

She took in a sharp breath.  "You know how I feel about That Man," she said, her voice full of many emotions.  He could hear her anger and distaste, and her disapproval was the glue that bound it together.  Still, there was a pleading tone to it, begging for his understanding in this. She was and would always be unbending.

"No, I really don't," Subaru replied bitterly.  Though, he was starting to get an idea.  She would never accept it, obviously, and would probably never forgive Subaru for being in love.  "A week has not cured my amnesia."

She looked at him with wide eyes for a moment before her expression hardened and she replied in a steely tone, "Surely you did not forget that he killed your sister!"

"I had forgotten," Subaru said.  "You sat there a week ago, when I knew nothing at all, and didn't even tell me Hokuto-chan would not be visiting.  It wasn't until the next day, when the other Seals came to wish me well, that I found out about her death."

"Subaru-san..." her voice was gentler now, offering an apology that would be inadequate to voice.

It was an apology he was not yet ready to accept.  Silence grew between them again, and he wondered if it would be irreparable.  The temperature in the room seemed to drop further and further...

When she spoke again, it was with ice in her tone.  "You let him touch you with the same hands that killed her.  I love you, and I support you in everything else you do, but...how could you?"

"I don't know, Grandmother.  I honestly don't know, and I don't know if I could explain it to you if I found out."

Seishirou was standing in the doorway, waiting silently.  Subaru wanted to reach out to him, but his grandmother's words were echoing in his ears.  He had returned to his doubts and his pain, wondering how this could possibly work and how it had worked at all before.  No matter what he'd forgotten, he could not forget what Seishirou was and all he had done.

But, could he forgive?

He still didn't know, but he wanted to believe that somehow he could.  Otherwise it would kill him to be so in love.

"Subaru-san, I only want you to be happy."  Grandmother looked like she wanted to say something more, but she paused, frowning.  "I was going to say, you have not been happy for a very long time, but I can not tell you that.  When I came in here, that was the closest I've seen you to being happy since you were a child.  No matter how I might disapprove, it is up to you to find your happiness.  Not me."

"How gracious of you to finally admit that," Seishirou said, finally stepping into the room.

She shot him a look that would have caused a lesser man to run screaming.  Thankfully a nurse walked in and innocently stopped what could have been World War III, finally checking on Subaru to give him his medication.  A doctor came in a few minutes later, but by that time Grandmother had left.  Seishirou stayed by his side, and they heard the doctor pronounce his "bad news" together.  Neither were surprised, though Seishirou had given Subaru's hand a comforting squeeze when the doctor had finally come out and said Subaru would never regain sight in his right eye.  It was a surprising gesture, but one that he was very thankful for.

When the medication kicked in they changed his bandage.  Seishirou paid particular attention to this, asking questions that Subaru just didn't feel like paying attention to.  He knew he should, but his head was feeling swimmy and it didn't help that they told him to keep both eyes closed.  He began drifting off to the feel of hands deftly replacing bandages and the low buzz of murmured conversation.

He woke up slightly when it was finished and he was laid back down.  He looked up at Seishirou, considering him with that skewed honesty that comes with heavy medication.  "You're still here," he said gratefully.

"Yes.  Sleep now, Subaru-kun.  I'll be back later tonight."

"You should sleep, Seishirou-san."

Seishirou just smiled, touching Subaru's arm gently.  "We'll talk tonight."

"Oh."  Like there was any doubt what they'd talk about.  "Are you going to yell at me?" Subaru asked meekly.  He thought belatedly that that was probably not something he wanted to ask, especially in that tone, because it made him sound less than mature.  It was too late to take it back though.

The smile on Seishirou's lips looked strained.  His voice was kind though, as he gently ruffled Subaru's hair.  "Go to sleep, Subaru."

"Okay."


	20. XX

Subaru didn't sleep the entire day, though he was in and out for it.  Sorata and Arashi showed up for a bit--for all her protests over his behavior, they seemed to spend a lot of time together.  They arrived with the news that Kamui was in the same hospital, but they did not know where Yuzuriha was.  Subaru was worried, but there was nothing he could do.

They didn't stay long, thankfully.  He napped for a while, but he was forced to eat and then interrupted again when Sorata bounced in with the news that Yuzuriha was, amazingly enough, in the same hospital they were in.  She'd been brought in by a friend of hers that no one else knew...but Inuki wasn't there.  That's all Sorata would say.  There was a look of deep sorrow there that told Subaru all he needed to know.  Inuki had been killed in the attack, and that is what had brought Yuzuriha's kekkai crumbling down.

He tried not to brood on it, but it was painful news to bear.  He was wide awake and staring at the darkening sky outside the window when Seishirou arrived.  Subaru turned to look at him with a hopeful smile, noticing that Seishirou looked rested and freshly showered.

"Have you gotten enough rest, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asked with a bright smile.

Subaru warmed under the smile, feeling all of the worry of the day melting away.  "I've been in and out of sleep all day, and I think I'm tired of being tired."

"Good!  That means you'll be awake enough for us to talk about this, right?"  Seishirou was still wearing the same smile, but it was easier to see now how it wasn't a real smile at all.  It was still so easy for Seishirou to put on that mask of kindness, and Subaru realized he wanted to be fooled by it.

"I guess so," Subaru agreed slowly.  He didn't want to talk about it.  Not really.  Not ever.  But, he would.  If anyone had a right to answers right now, it was Seishirou.

The false smile was gone and Seishirou sat in his usual spot at the edge of Subaru's bed.  "I don't think I have to tell you how foolish it is of you to harbor such a dangerous Wish," he said in a low tone.

Subaru sighed, frowning.  "Maybe...but it's all still right there in my mind.  It's like it only happened a few weeks ago instead of years.  It's all my fault you lost your eye, and I can't forget that.  You told me it was your decision to protect me, and that for that reason I should not blame myself.  You didn't want to though.  It was all part of that stupid bet, and for the last week all I've been able to think about is you did something like that for me when you shouldn't have.  I shouldn't have needed protection, and you shouldn't have stood in the way."

"For that reason, you decided _this_ would be okay?"  Seishirou gently stroked the bandage over Subaru's eye, emphasizing his words.

"It was an acceptable loss."

Seishirou pulled his hand back as if stung.  His eyes hardened and his face fell into a neutral blankness.  They stared at each other in silence, neither one knowing quite what to say after that statement.  Subaru knew he'd said the wrong thing as soon as it had passed his lips, but there was no rewind button on life.  He simply couldn't take it back.

"No, it isn't acceptable," Seishirou finally replied, frowning.

"Well, it's too late whether or not it was, so it doesn't matter," Subaru said peevishly.  He crossed his arms over his chest defensively.  But...that wasn't what he wanted to say.  He didn't want to get into a fight with Seishirou over this.  He just...he...he didn't know what to do.  He didn't know what he wanted.  He didn't know what he'd expected.  "I'm sorry," he said softly, rolling onto his side and curling up into a ball.  "I don't think I'm ready to talk about this."

Seishirou nodded and started rubbing Subaru's back.  More than ever, Subaru felt broken by this show of kindness and comfort.  He wasn't tired so much as weary...weary with the weight of unremembered years and pressed down by the weight of grief and responsibility.  Seishirou's hand seemed to remind him of everything he'd been carrying, and how he just wanted to give up sometimes.  And how, if he ever did give up, there was only one way he wanted out.

He wanted to die in Seishirou's arms some day.  He didn't know when he'd come to that decision, but if he had to die he wanted it to be that way.  But, being with Seishirou like this robbed him of that chance.  If they loved each other, they would not want to kill each other.  But still...but still...that's the only way he wanted to leave.

It was something he could never ask.  He saw how much Seishirou loved him and cherished him.  Why?  He still didn't understand that change.  There hadn't been enough of Seishirou's story to tell him what had changed his mind.  Subaru thought back to the explanation and frowned.  It had been because Seishirou wanted the same thing--to die by Subaru's hand.  To die in the arms of the one he loved?  But, that would imply that Seishirou had loved him before.  It was a dizzying thought, and one he wasn't entirely comfortable with.  If not then, when had Seishirou discovered love?  Before or after he killed Hokuto?

"Seishirou-san..." He didn't realize he had spoken out loud until he heard his own whispered voice.

"Yes, Subaru?"  Seishirou's voice was just as soft.  It was gentle enough that Subaru could almost forget everything but how much love he had for the older man.  Almost.

"How did I do it?  How did I manage to forgive you, before?"

There was no answer for a very long time, but Seishirou was still gently rubbing Subaru's back.  It was relaxing, and he was almost lulled back to sleep by it, but he struggled to stay awake so he would hear the answer.

Finally, Seishirou sighed.  "I'm not sure you ever did."

It was the only answer Subaru could get from Seishirou that night.


	21. XXI

Seishirou was there every day for at least a few hours, though sometimes it was all day.  They lowered Subaru's pain medication and kept a close look on his eye.  He woke up in the grip of nightmares every night, replaying the moment where he lost his eye, or where Seishirou had lost his eye.  Once in a while the two memories melded with a third and though he didn't remember these he knew one thing about them.  He woke from them with his sister's name upon his lips and tears streaming down his face or soaked into the pillow.

Time passed.

As soon as he was allowed, he walked into Kamui's room and kept the boy company.  Sometimes he went alone.  Sometimes Seishirou went with him.  Subaru wasn't sure what to expect when those two interacted, but it was surprisingly civil.  Would they still be civil if Subaru weren't there?  Would they bother talking?  Would they fight?

That question brought another to mind, and Subaru asked it as he walked with Seishirou back to his room one afternoon.  "Seishirou-san...have we been fighting on opposite sides?  Or did you somehow...uh...find a way out?"

"We haven't fought each other," Seishirou said.  "Not over the fate of the world at least," he amended with a grin.

Subaru frowned.  It was an answer, of sorts.  He wasn't in the mood for games, however.  His head was starting to hurt again, and he'd finally remembered, while talking to Kamui, how he'd gone Within the boy's mind and helped him after Kotori's death.  Despite that, he could still not remember a thing about having a relationship with Seishirou.  "Are you?"

With a telltale sign of discomfort, Seishirou reached into his coat pocket and started pulling out his box of cigarettes.  He stopped himself, but not in time for Subaru to miss what that signified.  "I have been," he finally said.

Subaru stopped in the middle of the hall.  "Why?"

"Why not?"

It was the last thing Subaru wanted to hear from Seishirou's mouth.  "Don't joke with me about that," he said, glaring.

The reply was chilling.  Seishirou shrugged and said, "I never have."

Subaru threw his hands in the air and continued on to his room.  Seishirou followed calmly behind as if nothing of any importance had just transpired.  Subaru sat down on his bed before he tried again.  "There are many reasons why not.  I thought it would be obvious.  At the very least, if all of humanity came to an end, neither of us would be here.  No more of...whatever it is we've had for the last five years."

"Don't you believe in an afterlife?"

This left Subaru momentarily flustered.  "Of course I do!  How could I not?  I deal with the spirits of the dead on a daily basis.  That's hardly a guarantee we'll be together after we die!"

"Maybe."  Seishirou wore an enigmatic smile that only served to upset Subaru more.

"Seishirou-san!  How can you take this so lightly!  We're talking about the end of everything we know here.  How can you act like you don't care?"

"Because it's not an act, Subaru-kun."  There was that look of the killer once again.  The cold assassin who cared for nothing in this world.  "I have told you before.  I don't care.  One way or another, I don't care about the results of this battle, so I've decided I will not fight destiny.  I've accepted my role, just as you have.  A month ago, though, you cared about the fate of this world just as much as I did."

Subaru's eyes went wide in shock.  "Me?  How could you say that?"

"Because it's true.  You've fought because it is your duty.  You are fulfilling an obligation thrust upon you by your position.  The only argument you could give me, in all these years, for doing so has been the same one you just gave me.  A selfish reason.  It's a flattering reason, I'll admit, but it is the only one you've ever challenged me with."

"If your side wins, so many people will die," Subaru said weakly.  But, that was hardly a valid point to someone who murdered on a daily basis, was it?

"People die every day, Subaru-kun.  If humanity ends though, there will be no one left to mourn."

"The spirits left behind--"

"Would heal," Seishirou finished.  "Or are you so happy with your own life that you think it would be a shame to move on?"

Subaru flinched.  He couldn't remember.  There had to be a day in his life where he was just happy to be here.  There must be at least one single day where he'd looked forward to what was to come.  He desperately recalled one morning when the hope and joy and anticipation had been enough to fill his whole life...if it had not been ripped from him so violently by the man he loved.  The man who stood here now and told him death was preferable to this life.

Before that day...?

Well, before he met Seishirou, Subaru hadn't felt much of anything at all.  He went through the motions of life.  He loved, he laughed, he did his duty, but he hadn't really been there for it.  Funny that he'd learned to feel only at the hands of an emotionless man.

"Not everyone wants to die."

Seishirou sat down next to Subaru and placed a hand lovingly on his shoulder.  "Very few people truly want to die, Subaru."  The assassin reached up and softly brushed Subaru's cheek, ran a finger lightly over Subaru's lips, and smiled softly.  "Fewer people actually want to live, however."

"I can't believe that," came the soft reply, choked with unshed tears.

"You don't have to."  Seishirou was bending closer, finger hooked under Subaru's chin and lifting slightly, eyes trained on Subaru's mouth.  When Subaru licked his lips nervously, Seishirou grinned.  "It's my job to believe these things, and yours not to."

Subaru nodded, though he was more mesmerized with Seishirou's proximity than his words.  He unconsciously wrapped his arms around Seishirou's waist, as if it were the most natural thing for him to do in the world.  "Oh," he whispered softly.

"I do love you, Subaru."

"Then, why doesn't it matter to you if we both die?"

"Because I don't want to lose you.  I never want to grieve for you."  Seishirou's lips were brushing against Subaru's now, almost a kiss.  They breathed the same air, looking at each other for a moment.  Subaru wore a slightly shocked expression, mingled with nervous anticipation.  Seishirou looked faintly amused, as always, but there was also an intense seriousness to his face that made Subaru's heart speed up.  "I--"

There was a knock at the door, and the almost silent swish of it opening and someone walking in.  "Time for your medication, Sumeragi-san," a nurse said brightly, ignoring the scene she'd walked in on.

Subaru jumped away guiltily.

He knew objectively that it wasn't...but as far as Subaru was concerned, that had almost been his first kiss.  He blushed, looking everywhere but at Seishirou, and moved back all the way onto the bed.  He quickly swallowed the pills with water and rested on the bed with the head inclined so he was mostly sitting still.  The nurse checked a few things, and then left with a bit more of a grin than Subaru was comfortable with.

He forced his thoughts back to the conversation they'd been having, and he tried to think about it objectively.  He frowned.  "If we both die--" he began.

Seishirou cut him off by placing a finger over his lips.  "If we both die, it won't matter who else is left.  Not to me.  You are all I care about in the world."

"I don't want to mourn you either, Seishirou-san."

He didn't answer in words.  Instead, Seishirou bent over and finally kissed Subaru.  It was a chaste kiss, just a touching of the lips, but for Subaru it was much more.  For Subaru, it nearly broke his mind and soul.


	22. XXII

The kiss was incredibly soft and gentle, speaking of a kind of familiar intimacy and comfort that took Subaru momentarily by surprise.  It was such a casual kiss, and he responded automatically in kind, though to him this was his first kiss.  The first kiss he could remember.  The only--

Images swirled behind his eyes in a rush, and Subaru gasped.  He was vaguely aware of Seishirou holding him by the shoulders and asking him if he was okay, but Subaru just closed his eyes around the onslaught of memories.  It was as if every kiss he'd ever had was happening all at once.  From the painful first kisses on the backs of his hands when Seishirou had forever marked him to the terrifying first kiss when Subaru thought he was going to die...the first time Subaru had kissed back and had almost cried when he realized what he'd just done....

He shoved it all away.

"I'm sorry."  It was the only thing Subaru could think to say as he looked up at Seishirou's worried face.  "I was just a little overwhelmed."

Seishirou was silent, caressing Subaru's cheek gently.  The look of concern didn't leave his face, though it faded a bit.  This went on for a long while, and Subaru began to relax again.

"It was every kiss we've ever shared, all at once.  I could almost remember everything, and it was too much too fast."  He reached up and held on to Seishirou's hand now, guided by ghosts of memories that told him that he'd always loved doing this.  It seemed to be the right thing to do because Seishirou smiled.

"You said you didn't want to mourn me," he said.

Subaru nodded and answered immediately, "Yes."

"But...your Wish was to forget about me."  It was an almost teasing statement, but Subaru was starting to realize that this was the way Seishirou set himself apart from the things he actually cared about.  It must have bothered him then.

Subaru sighed.  He just didn't have an answer.  "I don't know.  I don't remember."  Even with that flash of years worth of kisses, Subaru still could not remember why he wanted to forget.

He would never know what Seishirou really thought about that answer.  Instead of pressing for answers or continuing the conversation, Seishirou just said, "I love you."

"I...I love you too, Seishirou-san."  Subaru's voice sounded breathless and hopeful even to his own ears.

"That's the first time you remember saying that, isn't it?"

Subaru blushed.  "Yes."

"I will cherish it then."  Seishirou leaned over and kissed Subaru one more time, then stood.  "I have to go early today.  Places to go, people to kill."

Subaru winced and looked away.

"It's who I am, Subaru."

As if he could forget that, even if he wanted to.  "I know," he said whispered, then went on in a stronger voice.  "Do you have to take it so lightly though?"

"There is no other way for me to take it," Seishirou said with a grin.  "It's a job, it's a way of life, and it's a family tradition.  If you can not joke about death, what can you joke about?"  He sighed at Subaru's expression and became serious again.  "I mean it--this is who I am.  I can not change it...you'll understand some day.  Maybe when you remember."

"If that's the kind of thing I'll remember, maybe that's what I wanted to forget," Subaru said, eyes narrowed.

"You may very well be right," came the calm and composed answer.  Seishirou began to walk to the door, but he turned around after a few paces.  "Thank you for your kind words, Subaru-kun.  Do not feel you need to love me in return though.  I'm quite selfish in my feelings for you, and that is fine."  He was smiling brightly as ever while he all but called Subaru a liar for his declaration of love.

"It wasn't a lie!  I do love you!"

Seishirou's smile did not falter or fade in the least.  "You don't know if you do or not.  All you remember is smoke and mirrors...a show put on for your pleasure and mine.  You do not love Hokuto's murderer...though that is who I am."

Subaru didn't have an answer to that.

Seishirou left.


	23. XVIII

"I see you're still bandaged up like a mummy from the nose up," Kamui said lightly, after Subaru sat down.  "Bandages seem to be in this year...all the rage in certain circles."

"I'm pleased to see you again too, Kamui," Subaru said with a small grin.  Kamui noted that his smiles were getting smaller and smaller lately, and came less and less often.  Then again, so had the crying spells and overwhelming rages.  He had told Kamui that he'd been staying with Seishirou again, finding familiarity within the walls of the apartment they'd shared for so long.

"I got good news today--both Yuzuriha and I are getting out tomorrow.  It's a good excuse for a party, right?"

Subaru just nodded.  "Sorata-kun already invited me.  It was supposed to be a surprise though."

Kamui grinned.  "I thought I'd come up with an original idea.  I'll just have to try harder next time."

"You're trying to cheer me up," Subaru observed with a small twist of his lips.

"You look like you need it more than I do," Kamui agreed softly.  "You have the same look in your eye that you did when we first met."

"I've been remembering things."

That's all Subaru needed to say, and Kamui understood.  "When you told me about your past...and I saw things that had happened to you in your memories...I didn't know what to think.  It was too much for anyone to bear, I thought.  Just like me.  But, you did it anyway, and I knew it could be done.  When you said you'd been living with Seishirou for years, even after all that happened, I even had hope that I could find a happy ending.  That I could save Fuuma somehow, and everything would be okay."

Subaru looked down at his hands.  "Things are different though.  Seishirou-san is the same person he has always been.  And...I can not save him from who he truly is.  That person killed my sister.  That person lied to me and betrayed my trust.  That person tried to get me to kill him and force me to take his place.  No matter how much I love, no matter how much I try, no matter how much I hope, that person is who he is."

They were both silent for a time, lost in their respective thoughts.  Kamui twisted his hands in his lap, frowning.  "Then...you think there's no hope?"

"I didn't say that."  Subaru started to smile a little now, and when he looked up there was still the shadow of an idealistic teenager in his faded blue eyes.  "I was saying that everything is different between the two of us."

"Then...things aren't going well between you and Seishirou-san?"

"I don't know."  Subaru frowned in thought and looked upward.  "They might still, but I just don't know.  All the things I wished to forget are coming back to me...it was an insidious wish to have made...and to have granted."

Kamui nodded in silent understanding.

"I'm starting to think I can do this though," Subaru said softly, voice full of hope.  "It's like everything changed, and I can remember why I fell in love in the first place.  It wasn't just the lies like I thought, but there were other things.  I'm still trying to figure it out, but I'm starting to.  I want to, and I didn't before."

"Why not?"

"The memories choked me.  Not my sister's death...but the years after that.  The loneliness.  Thinking that I was worthless to him.  It ate at me.  I still don't remember it very well, but it's enough to know that it's those years that I could not forgive him for even more than anything else."

"You can forgive him?"  Kamui's question was more than just curiosity.  If Subaru could forgive....

"That was never the problem," Subaru said.  "It was that I could never forgive myself."

"Yourself?"  This one was completely beyond Kamui.  What did Subaru have to forgive himself for?

"Yes.  I couldn't forgive myself for just letting things happen.  I couldn't forgive myself for being weak when I should have been strong.  Most of all, I couldn't forgive myself for falling in love...for wanting to forgive Seishirou-san for what he'd done."

Kamui nodded his understanding.  There was a part of him that felt the same every day he remembered Kotori's death.  He'd been too shocked to move.  Too scared to use the powers he had to face someone he cared so much about.  He couldn't believe that Kotori would actually die--that was Fuuma up there doing this to her and he--

"I know what you mean," Kamui said, shaking his head to clear it.  Even now the memory was too vivid and painful when he let it surface.

Subaru smiled that same weary smile that he had always given to try to reassure Kamui before he'd lost his memory.  It had meant a lot to him at the time, but now that Kamui knew the brilliance of Subaru's true smiles it seemed like a poor substitute.  "I hope you don't know what I mean.  Fuuma has no choice in what he's doing.  Seishirou-san does."

"Does he?"

Subaru blinked.  His face went blank and unreadable.  "You think he doesn't?"

Kamui sighed.  "I don't know.  Maybe the same kind of choice I had...because if he didn't do it, someone else would have to.  Right?  But, you told me yourself that he was raised this way.  That he gained the position by killing his mother.  Maybe the only choice he had was in what he's done with you."

"Which part of what he's done with me?" Subaru asked bitterly.  "The part where he lied?  The part where he almost killed me, or where he did--"

Kamui cut him off with a shake of his head.  "The part where he was sixteen years old and hoped he'd be able to love someone some day so much that he turned against the strongest tradition of his family's history."

Subaru's head snapped upward, locking his gaze upon Kamui's face, staring at the mouth that had said those words, then looking into Kamui's clear blue-violet eyes.  "I don't know," Subaru said after a while, spreading his hands hopelessly.  "Maybe...I just don't know."

Kamui nodded.  He didn't know what he expected, but he hoped he gave Subaru a chance to find peace.  "Good luck," he finally said softly, when neither of them could think of anything else.

"Thank you," Subaru murmured.  "I...have a lot of things I need to think about."

"Go think then.  I'll see you at the party tomorrow," he laughed.

Subaru stood with a distracted look on his face and left.


	24. XXIV

He watched her closely these days.  There was no obligation to.  Perhaps, as enemies, he should have tried stopping her even, but there wasn't even a need.  The dreams Hinoto saw these days would not be used to serve anyone but herself.

Kakyou thought on occasion that he might talk to her and ask exactly what she thought she was doing.  It was puzzling.  On some levels it was even a little troubling.  But, the night that that boy had offered himself for Hinoto's safety, something had snapped within the other yumemi.  Kakyou had, before then, been running interference with her dreams by _Kamui's_ command.  After that, it had no longer been necessary.  He was almost worried, but he had to admit that it had been an effective ploy.

He almost felt bad for her.  If he were capable of it, he probably would, but he'd shut that down long ago.  When even that girl, Kotori, could accept her fate and walk into it with her eyes wide open and a smile on her face, he decided he could not afford to care anymore.  About anyone.

But, just because he didn't care didn't mean he was not worried.

She saw it coming...and it was still her undoing....

The key, of course, was her reflection.  All along he'd seen.  All along he'd known.  She was not the sweet doll she'd wanted everyone to believe.  She was not even the person she wanted to believe herself to be.  And, she'd been looking for an excuse to set her other self free.

It was an interesting dilemma for Kakyou.

Now though, he watched her world and truly wondered at her actions.  He could keep quiet no longer.

"You told them of a false dream," he said, puzzled.

"But, isn't that just a help to you?" she asked sweetly, not bothering to look at him.  She manipulated the dreamscape to show Kakyou one of her visions...a vision of her own death at Kamui's hand.  "And, if they are all dead, this can not come to pass."

Kakyou shook his head, again wondering at her sanity.  If the Seals were all dead, she would surely not survive that as well.  Was it just the manner of her death that bothered her?

There was nothing more he could do here.

_Kamui_ was waiting for him when he left her sphere of influence.  "Even if we do not do a thing, she will see to the deaths of the Seals one by one on her own."

Kakyou shook his head.  "Possibly."

That did seem to be her intention, at least.

"I think she has made a mistake though.  I'm not sure."

Something was wrong, like a hint of a future long negated but struggling to reassert itself.

"Oh?  I thought you were the one who told me that only one would walk away from that particular encounter?"

"It should be so."  He couldn't say why he thought it might not be.  That was still the most probable future, but something had become unpredictable and unstable around one of them lately.  A fate escaped, a destiny changed.  Or maybe not.  He'd seen Subaru lose his eye...but it came after the fated encounter.  The dreams were still coming to pass, but in a different way sometimes, and it all had to do with the Sumeragi and the Sakurazukamori.  Would that change the ultimate outcome of the end of the world?  Probably not.  Still, it was a situation worth paying attention to.

"You have hope?"  _Kamui_ almost laughed.

"I have curiosity," Kakyou amended.

"Then we will stay here and watch," came the amused reply.  "I wonder what it is you think might happen."

Kakyou just cleared the dreamscape around them and watched Hinoto again.  The Sumeragi stood before her, looking adorably confused.  It was a jarring expression for his usually placid face to wear, since to Kakyou it made him look younger.  Like Hokuto.

"Where?"

Hinoto was doing a masterful acting job.  She seemed so concerned.  "Rainbow Bridge," she answered, sounding urgent.

"Oh, isn't that where the Sakurazukamori was going?" _Kamui_ asked in an undertone.  Kakyou just nodded silently.  He'd been waiting for this.  He'd been expecting it.  So, it was finally time....

"Do Kamui and the rest know?" Subaru was asking urgently.

Hinoto shook her head sadly.  "I have not been able to contact them."

"I must go," he answered seriously.  He started to turn, but caught himself.  "Thank you for letting me know.  I will do my best."  Subaru smiled at her reassuringly, bowing as he backed away, then he turned to run.  Kakyou noted that the onmyouji had become so much more since his first run in with _Kamui_.  That might really change things...though he could not yet tell if the result would be better or worse.

Kakyou followed him, watching his actions as he raced to what could possibly be his doom.  It was time for the destined meeting.


	25. XXV

Dusky twilight colors painted the sky, as if robbing the vibrant hues of daylight from the city to touch the clouds with the last signs of life.  The mirrored windows of Tokyo buildings burned with this brightness as well for just a little while longer, and then winked out as the sun fell from their sight.  Subaru didn't have time to appreciate it as he almost literally flew to Rainbow Bridge.  He hoped he would be on time to stop whoever threatened the kekkai there.

The bridge stood abandoned, despite the hour.  People were staying at home these days, unsure of when or where an earthquake would hit.  Many were too afraid to take the bridge across the bay for fear it would collapse under them as they drove.  Any travel in the city these days was done with trepidation anyway.  Then again, staying at home could be just as dangerous.

Subaru was just glad that he could walk uninterrupted to the center of the bridge.  Toward the center he came across a garish splash of red, painting the roadway, staining it with the loss of life.  A chill ran down his spine, and a terrible thought occurred to him.  He felt the remains of dark magic hanging in the air, choking him with the strength of it.  He stared for a moment, a feeling of hopeless dread flooding through him.

"Seishirou-san."

"You're just in time, Subaru-kun."

Subaru turned quickly, whirling on Seishirou in confusion and alarm.  "You...killed someone here."

Seishirou lifted his bloody right hand, giving Subaru a dangerous smile.  "I am the Sakurazukamori, after all."  Between two of those crimson painted fingers was a cigarette, which he casually lit now.

The sight filled Subaru with a sick fascination.  How could he do that?  Blood smeared everywhere, and Seishirou so calmly lifted that so close to his face, inhaling the scent of death along with the burning smoke of the cigarette.  The expression on Seishirou's face did not change though.  It truly did not matter to him.

"Why?"

Seishirou leveled him with a patient look, still smiling as he took a step closer to Subaru.  "You know why."

"You're going to try to destroy this kekkai," he said, defeat and determination swimming in equal measure in his voice.

"You're going to try to stop me.  Who do you think will win, I wonder?  It has been quite some time since we've truly fought."

"Then why do you look like you're enjoying this?" Subaru cried out.

"Shouldn't I?"  Seishirou inhaled another lungful of smoke and let it out slowly.  "The last five years--no, since the moment we met, we've been following the path to this moment.  It is time for you to remember that."

Subaru backed away as if stung.  Those words..."Not again!  I won't let you break me again!  My soul is not a toy for you to play with and toss aside!"

"Isn't it?"  And, Seishirou looked almost kind.  Almost regretful.  "Do you want to know why you've forgotten?  Do you want to know what you have forgotten?"

"No!  I just want to stop you!  Don't do this, Seishirou-san!"

"So cute, Subaru-kun."  Seishirou took a step forward.  "If you want to stop me, you know what you must do."

No.

Where were the others?  They could stop this.  They could prevent this nightmare that was rushing toward Subaru like a runaway train.

But, they couldn't.

"Subaru, the last five years have not been about love and devotion.  I have been training you, for this day."

"Stop playing with my mind!"

A flock of doves formed from Subaru's thrown ofuda, flying to attack Seishirou as Subaru jumped away to a better position.  He knew they would be no more than a diversion...and the glowing tracers of light from the tip of Seishirou's cigarette filled in to create a barrier that utterly destroyed the magical birds.

_"Your family has ever been too concerned with tradition.  You can use anything, really, as a focus."_

_"What do you mean?" Subaru asked, looking up at his lover as they lay beneath the sheets.  He still had his head resting against Seishirou's bare chest, listening to his heartbeat as it slowed to a normal pace.  He loved doing that...listening because he knew that he'd been the one who could make Seishirou react like this._

_"You know the basics of blood magic, for example.  When you use your own blood, it increases the power of your focus.  Even using your own skin though, as your parchment, you can use the double focus to increase your power."_

_"I'd prefer not to be bleeding," Subaru said, wrinkling his nose._

_"Of course, it's only an emergency measure.  Here's another example right here."  Seishirou took another drag off of his cigarette and held it up significantly.  "Once I've started smoking this cigarette, our essences mingle.  The smoke or the glow of the light at the tip can be used to throw together a quick spell."_

_"Not very permanent," Subaru said, taking the cigarette from Seishirou's fingers and taking a drag of his own before handing it back._

_"You trust me so much," Seishirou murmured, running his fingers through Subaru's hair fondly.  "No, it's not very permanent, but in battle it can make the difference between winning and dying."_

_"I never would have thought of that on my own," Subaru mused.  "Grandmother would hardly approve."_

_Seishirou just chuckled, putting the cigarette out in the ashtray and bending to kiss Subaru.  Together they settled into the bed once again._

He shook his head to clear it from the vivid memory.  Subaru didn't have time for that.  He brought his hands together, concentrating not on what was before him but what was behind him.  He did love Seishirou.  He wanted to protect him and keep this world safe so Seishirou could be in it with him.  Or without him.  At this point, it just didn't matter as long as...

Please, I don't want him to die.  No matter what, I don't want him to die.

With thoughts like these, it was easy to erect a kekkai, removing everything around them from the world so that there would be no real damage.  The star shaped barrier spread outward, removing the two of them from everyone else, separating them from the world entirely.

"I knew I would not be disappointed," Seishirou murmured, even as he began a spell of his own.  The landscape around them changed, and instead of standing on a bridge they were in a park.  The Tree was an overwhelming presence, the fullness of the evil aura staggering Subaru with almost physical force.

_"I don't think it likes me very much, Seishirou-san."  Subaru shuddered, wrapping his arms around himself.  He could not keep out the vision he'd had of Hokuto's death.  This right here was where she'd died, in Seishirou's arms, by his hand._

_"You're wrong.  It likes you very much, Subaru.  Perhaps too much," Seishirou mused, a half smile dancing on his lips.  "It thinks you would be tasty.  I wonder if it is right."  He bent closer to Subaru, his eyes suggesting a meaning to the word that Subaru was just starting to grasp._

_Subaru blushed a bright pink, matching the blossoms that dripped delicate petals all around them.  "Seishirou-san!"_

_Whatever else he might have said was cut off by a kiss, a caress, more and more, and finally Seishirou said, "Let me taste you," and Subaru leaned back and opened himself to all sorts of new possibilities._

"No!  No more illusions, no more lies!"  Subaru tore through the illusion violently, terrified of being pinned, knowing that if he held still Seishirou would invoke Hokuto's final spell.  "Seishirou-san!"

"You still don't want to kill me, Subaru?  You're still as kind as ever."  Seishirou sent his shikigami flying toward Subaru's face, making Subaru jump to avoid it.

"No!  That is the last thing I want!"  But, in the time it took Subaru to dodge, Seishirou had disappeared.  Where was he?  More precious seconds were wasted, searching, before he felt Seishirou's aura flare behind him.  He barely dodged, feeling the tingle of magic brush against his back, feeling fingertips like razors cut into his skin.  _He must be desperate to hit from behind,_ Subaru thought.

He dropped like a rock to the ground and rolled, then flew into the air with a handful of ofuda between thumb and forefinger.  Not much damage was being done to the surroundings, but this fight wasn't about destruction really.  It was about Seishirou's survival.

"After all I've done to you, you still can't bring yourself to want my death?"

"I love you!" Subaru cried in response.

"Subaru, your memories were erased because it was my wish as well.  I wanted you to only remember how much you wanted to kill me."

"I don't want to live without you either!"

Seishirou froze.

_"I'll never be able to."  Subaru slumped in defeat, almost crying as he watched the broken and bloodied form collapsed on the carpet.  He should just let Seishirou die, here and now.  It would be easier to just crawl back to his grandmother right now and call the police in a few hours...maybe tomorrow...._

_"I'll never be able to let you go."_

_He punched numbers on the phone, not caring that he was smearing blood across the handle and the buttons.  His voice was strangely steady as he ordered an ambulance to his apartment, assuring them that this was a dire emergency.  "I thought he was a burglar, and attacked in the dark.  Please hurry."_

_At this point he didn't care if anyone believed him.  He turned off the phone and slid to the floor and cried.  "Don't die, Seishirou-san...please, not like this...."_

_"Su...ba...ru...ku...n...." the pain was clearly too much, but Seishirou was smiling.  "This...I want...this...."_

_"Shhh, don't talk.  It will be okay."_

_But, Seishirou wasn't looking or listening to anything in the real world.  So, Subaru did what he could to stop the bleeding and make the older man more comfortable.  "Why?" he whispered, brushing hair from Seishirou's face.  "It's as if you wanted to die."_

Subaru fell to his knees.  "I can not do what you want.  I can not be who you want me to be.  Please, Seishirou-san.  Don't do this."

Seishirou knelt before Subaru and bent close to his ear as if imparting a secret.  "It has been destined...only one of us will walk away.  If you stay there, it will only hasten the inevitable."

Subaru jumped to his feet even as Seishirou poised himself to strike.  It was close for a moment, but Subaru managed again to dodge...to sacrifice himself a little bit to save Seishirou's life.  This time it was his left shoulder, getting torn into by the magic.

He winced and clutched the wound even as he leapt away from another attack.  This wouldn't do.  He could not live without Seishirou.  He could not let this happen.

He felt he had no other option open to him.

Subaru began a full out offensive, hurling raw magical energy that he knew Seishirou would easily dodge.  It was just another aspect of the game they were locked in.  Just another distraction.  He winced at the damage being done because, if he was successful, it would be revisited in the real world.  Maybe even if he failed...either way, he would no longer be in a position to protect the things of this world.

_"If I were to kill you in the manner I had killed her, I would die and you would survive.  The same would happen if you tried to kill me."_

Subaru lunged forward.

He knew the spell...and detested it, having sworn he'd never use it.  He had to be just as versed in the darker spells as he was with the light though, but he would never, could never, had never dared use any of it--

\--until now.

The energy was like a lance, forcing everything before his cupped hand to part before his fingers.  They were both in motion, but Subaru was faster.  Despite the magical force that preceded his hand, he felt the crunch of bone and the tearing of flesh and heat of fresh flowing blood.  He expected to feel the impossible crushing pain visited upon himself...

...any moment now...

...what's taking so long?

**"NO!"**

Subaru stared in horror, pulling his hand away, unable to see anything but the gaping hole in Seishirou's chest and the flow of red that seemed to be everywhere....

"What about Hokuto's spell?  Seishirou-san!  This shouldn't happen!  _Seishirou-san!"_

"I lied," Seishirou said, leaning heavily against Subaru.  "I've lied about a great many things."

Tears fell from Subaru's eyes even as Seishirou smiled.  Subaru was falling in what felt like slow motion to his knees, supporting his lover and his only love, shock settling through him.  He felt the presence of the others gathering around him, and he wondered how long they'd been there.

Kamui rushed forward while the others held back.  "Subaru!"  But, to Subaru it seemed like his voice came from a great distance.  It wasn't until he felt Kamui's hand on his shoulder, shaking him, and saw the surprised look in Seishirou's eyes that Subaru realized the teenager had said anything else.

"What?"

"I said, you missed.  Hurry up, we have to get him to the hospital!"

"I--" He looked at the wound again and his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Come on!  It doesn't matter who he is, we have to hurry!"

But, now Seishirou had something more to say, even as Subaru gathered his lover in his arms.  "You...would rather die than kill me," he said, even as his eyes dimmed with pain.  Seishirou would lose consciousness soon.

"Of course!  I love you, Seishirou-san.  No matter what.  Don't ever do something like this again!"

Seishirou slumped weakly.  "I'll try."

It was a chance.  It was hope.  Subaru decided he'd do whatever it took, say whatever he could, anything in the world to keep Seishirou by his side.

It was finally a start.


End file.
